New Friday Feature: Capsule Reviews!

Finally, my computer is back online and (a week late) I can introduce the new weekly feature, capsule reviews! I'm doing this in the hopes of making it more fun to visit this place regularly, since it can often take me a while to write a full review. If any of you would like to contribute capsule reviews, just let me know!


The Cottage (2008)
Directed by Paul Andrew Williams
Starring: Andy Serkis, Doug Bradley, Jennifer Ellison

The Cottage is a fun and lighthearted British horror comedy in the vein of Severance. The film follows two brothers, one of whom is played by Andy Serkis, whose kidnapping plot goes all wrong when a deformed hillbilly shows up and the blood starts to fly. The comedy is a bit broad so the film does feel like it’s trying a bit too hard at times, and the slasher doesn’t show up till after the halfway mark. Still, there’s plenty of laughs and gore to be found here, as well as a few inventive plays on famous slasher movie caveats. Top that off with a cameo by Doug Bradley, and you have a solid horror comedy that should supply you with an hour and a half of good times. It’s definitely worth a watch.

Submitted by Noah Soudrette


Blood: The Last Vampire (2000)
Directed by Hiroyuki Kitakubo
Starring: Youki Kudoh, Saemi Nakamura, Joe Romersa

Blood: The Last Vampire is apparently exceptional for being the first Production I.G. film to use all CGI animation. This is a good thing, because it certainly isn’t exceptional in any other department. While there are a few thrilling action moments, the plot is a generic vampire on vampire violence tale. Saya, our heroic vampire, dressed in a Japanese school girl outfit, boringly kills a few vampire-like monsters on a military base for forty minutes. By reading that last sentence, you’ve pretty much seen the movie. Oh and there’s a shitty attempt to tack on some kind of social commentary at the end. It’s dreck, but visually arresting dreck.

Submitted by Noah Soudrette


Dylan Moran: Monster (2004)
Directed by Michael Matheson
Starring Dylan Moran

Dylan Moran: Monster, is a stand up special, filmed in Dublin, featuring the ultra hilarious verbal stylings of Dylan Moran of Black Books fame. If you’ve seen Black Books I can guarantee you will enjoy this performance. Dylan’s real life personality isn’t that far from Bernard Black, and his witticism and unique word combinations are truly unique. He spends most of his time pointing out the absurdities of trying to be something your not in life. This is basically what other comics do, but Dylan is simply funnier. This is a real classic comedy performance, in my book.

Submitted by Noah Soudrette


Uncle Buck (1989)
Directed by John Hughes
Starring: John Candy, Macaulay Culkin

I just watched Uncle Buck for like I don't know, probably the 20th time in my life, and let me tell you, this movie is just as good today as it was back in 1989. So now I'm thinking about how much I enjoy this movie, and how much I've enjoyed John Hughes' writing, producing, and directing over my life. As a Writer/Director/Producer he has put out 4 movies that are very important to me and my generation’s popular culture: The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and finally the delightful Uncle Buck. To this day I want a giant breakfast birthday, but despite 19 years of birthdays since this movie came out, still no giant stack of pancakes for me.

Submitted by Jesse Stevens


Fantastic Four (2005)
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
Directed by Tim Story
Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans

These two FF films are good stuff. I wouldn't go so far as to put them into my comic book movie top three, but they are a good time all around as far as I am concerned. Solid stories, overall interesting (or as interesting as the FF can be) characters, and just a good F/X time. Both these screen plays are written by the excellent Mark Frost, (co-creator of Twin Peaks as well as writer of several excellent books) so they don't let you down plot-wise. If you are looking for some films to warm you up for this summers comic book smack down, or maybe just some fun popcorn flicks, then look no further than the FF's at your local video establishment. Ironfury Commands It!

Submitted by Jesse Stevens

Techincal Difficulties

Well, I had been planning to introduce a new weekly feature here on the blog and it was due to roll out yesterday. However, my main computer, with the appropriate writings on it, is currently in the shop. Hopefully, I'll get it back soon and resume regular posting. Damn you Atkins!

Stan Winston, R.I.P.

Stan Winston

1946 - 2008

A Sad Day

So, I just finished watching George Romero's Diary of the Dead. I'd heard a lot about this film when it first came out. I remember that the first few reviews that hit the web were stunningly positive. I was psyched. Then, a flood of negative reviews followed and I became a little more guarded concerning what to expect from this film. I had intended to simply rent the picture, not wanting to take a chance on buying it. Well, today I figured, it's a Romero movie, even if it's not very good it should still be better than most of what's out there. Well, as you can probably guess from the title of this post, I was disappointed. I never thought I'd say this, but here it goes. George Romero's new movie is a melodramatic, poorly acted, overly talkative, boring turd pile. There I said it. I want to cry. I have always loved Romero's films, even the not so great entries in his body of work, like Monkey Shines or Bruiser. This however, is indefensibly bad. I almost can't believe it. I'd really rather not write about this anymore as it is incredibly depressing, but I think it's best to focus on my three biggest problems with the film, and not get bogged down in all the little things I hated.

First, I'll start with the acting. It sucks. Bad. If we compare this "found footage" type film to others, we should take a look at the acting in Cloverfield. Even though all the characters in Cloverfield are these well to do rich white people, we still get a good grasp of their characters and there's some likability there because the actors have personality. The actors in this film have no personality whatsoever. Secondly, and one could argue this goes hand in hand with bad acting, is a shitty script. The dialog is putrid, the film seems to have no point whatsoever, and all the characters just seem to be wandering through their parts as their characters wander through a plotless world. One thing many have been harping on is the shitty narration, which only acts to overstate the patently obvious and interrupt any kind of momentum the film has built up. This leads to my biggest problem with the film. This film is so fucking boring! I could forgive it if it still had some thrilling set pieces or interesting moments of some kind. Instead, I found myself sitting there wondering when it was going to end, and why there were so fucking few zombies in this damn zombie film!



As I was thinking about all this while watching the film, it hit me. Maybe Romero is doing this on purpose. Maybe he wants these kids to act badly. Perhaps the whole thing is overly talking and over stated and melodramatic on purpose. There are indeed some funny and self referential moments in the film. There's a very funny sequence with a deaf and dumb Amish farmer, and you also hear someone say something about adding a underlying social commentary to their horror film. So clearly, Romero's having some fun at his own expense here. Does that mean, that this whole thing is simply Romero's deconstruction of the modern horror film, and that what we've been watching all along is a spoof/satire? Well, if that's the case, the film does fair a little better, but I'm hard pressed to believe it. And in either case, the movie just isn't enjoyable, even assuming all its problems are intentional. Sadly, no matter how I try and convince myself to like this film, I can't. And, I can sit here all day and try and force myself to believe that it's a good movie, but it isn't. So, here's hoping this is just a one off mistake, and Romero can pull it out of the bag on his next one. Otherwise, we're witnessing the steady decline of a once great filmmaker. God I hope I'm wrong. Do yourselves a favor. Skip this movie and find a copy of [REC]. You'll thank me for it.


P.S. - One good thing about the DVD purchase is that it features a zombie short film by Teller, of Penn & Teller fame, which is absolutely brilliant. I've posted it below the trailer.

Trailer


& Teller

Summer Movie Smackdown! Battle #1: Iron Man vs. The Incredible Hulk

Well, the first movie face off on my summer movie bracket has a winner. I saw The Incredible Hulk last night, and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. When I first saw the previews for this (the one without the Tim Roth smack down), I wasn't very enthused. But, as we got glimpses of the action sequences, I became a bit more interested. My other concern though was that there would be far too much brooking and oh-woe-is-meing by Bruce Banner. Thankfully, it's not that bad. There's a nice amount of action here, even if one does get frustrated with the military's futile attempts to capture Banner. The final fight is what you'd expect and was pretty decent, but the biggest surprise is the non-Hulk moments. Ed Norton does a great job here and the chemistry he was with Liv Tyler is palpable. I can see why Ed got a little upset at them cutting out some of the character development, but the film is nicely paced in its current incarnation and I look forward to seeing those scenes on the DVD.

Now, how does the new and improved Hulk fare against Iron Man? Well, as Baron Ironfury pointed out the other day, The Incredible Hulk, doesn't have to worry itself about telling an origin story, and that definitely helps. However, as good as Ed Norton is, he simply can't compare to the fun and likability of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. However, (SPOILER, highlight blank to view) Downey does make an appearance as Tony Stark towards the end of Incredible Hulk, which is very fun. Plus, unexpectedly, the Leader shows up!! Still, one cannot deny the greatness of Iron Man, and it wins out in this particular head to head.

Here is the updated bracket:

Review: [REC]

I have just seen, what might possibly have been, the scariest movie going experience of my life. I know that sounds bombastic, but as I sit here and type this my pulse is still fucking racing. I'm also having a hard time coming up with what to say here. So, maybe I'll start off with a little info session. Directed by Paco Plaza (Romasanta) and Jaume Balaguero (Darkness, Nameless) is a found footage film about a TV crew who are following a fire department as part of a show detailing people who work while the rest of us sleep. When they get a call about a woman trapped in her apartment and head into said apartment building, things begin to get weird. The woman in question is deranged and attacks a police officer. When they try to move the officer outside for medical attention, they find the building sealed due to a supposed health concern. You can see where this is going, and it may not sound like anything special, but trust me, it is.

This film mixes the maze-like claustrophobic feel of Demons 2, with the best parts of 28 Weeks Later, and a dash of character and true originality, to produce a horror film that made me shake, yell, cover my eyes, which I've almost never fucking done, and make me nearly hyperventilate. I was only able to watch this film on a burned DVD alone in my room, and not with an audience in a theater. I could only image the screaming that would accompany a public viewing of this film. This could easily make it onto my top ten horror films of all time list.

Now, while I clearly loved this film, I want to talk about why you've possibly never heard of it, and why you might not see it for years. Screen Gems has snatched up the rights to the film as well as the rights to remake it in English, make it seriously not scary, and call it Quarantine. Also, they were kind enough to give away the final shot of the original, in the trailer for their shitty looking remake. Because of this, they have effectively buried the original, in the hopes that no one will ever find out how shit their remake is going to be. Fuck you Screen Gems. I hope your fucking remake bombs. I'm pretty sure it'll get panned, but I hope the only people who go see it, are homeless people who've sneaked into the theater so they could take a shit in the corner. If you think my reaction is harsh. Just watch the respective trailers for each film posted below, and see if you disagree with me.

Trailer (Original)


Trailer (Remake)

Summer Movie Smackdown!

For some reason, while the films this summer may not have the most quality, there are a hell of a lot of them. For once, I actually feel like seeing most of them as well. So, I've decided to have a little fun with it and do up a summer movie elimination bracket ala the NCAA. Feel free to make your own brackets and submit them, or hold onto mine and use it yourself. While I did have a hard time finding 16 movies I wanted to see this summer, you may want to drop it down to 8. Anyway, here it is. I'll update as certain battles get a winner.