Review: Doomsday

Do you like Escape From New York?

Do you like The Warriors?

Do you wish there were more kick ass post-apocalypse movies out there?

Well you fuckin' better or I'll cave your skull in with a Louisville Slugger full of rusty nails! Actually, to be honest, when I first heard about Doomsday I wasn't too jazzed. Then, I found out it was being written and directed by Neil Marshall. If you don't recognize Neil's name, he's the writer/director of the best werewolf movie in decades, Dog Soldiers, and the painfully claustrophobic Descent. Still, after this, for some reason, I wasn't jazzed. I must have come down with a mild case of dumb ass, because I should have been jumping up and down, reading Snake Plissken comics, listening to my Warriors soundtrack, while watching Enzo G. Castaleri sci-fi flicks. That would have been a pretty good prep for Doomsday.

You know how Quentin Tarantino makes endless pastiches/homages to the films of the seventies that he loves, and gets called a genius for it? Well, he should, because those movies kick ass. I bring this up, because Neil Marshall has done just that, except with eighties films. Of course, if you go read some of the other reviews out there for Doomsday, like the one over on Fangoria, all you'll hear about is how this feels like a film, "coming from a feature first-timer who has yet to develop his own voice and feels most comfortable homaging favorites from the past." Gee, I don't think Quentin ever grew out of that phase, and people like Fango (and myself) have had are hands down his pants, giving him a sack tickle over it ever since. So what's so wrong with Neil wanting to make a fun homage film? Well, Fango thinks it's a, "real shame... that it comes from writer/director Neil Marshall, who brought a fierce originality and vision to his two previous movies." Well, they're right about one thing. Neil is highly original. So that means he can't make a film that's derivative and good?

You know what? Fuck you Fangoria! It's not just that your opinion sucks, it's that myself and others are even listening to your opinion anymore. You went from the top of the horror totem poll, to possibly the worst horror publication on magazine shelves. You know why? Because the films you cover these days, and the films you endorse, suck! They don't just suck, they suck big giant donkey balls. Sorry... I just had to get that out. But, Fangoria is just an example of the types of negative reviews I read of this film today. What is wrong with you people?! While you're entitled to your opinion (no matter how shitty it is), your not only falling prey to your own twisted, self involved film expectations, but your biting the hand that feeds you. Do you know how often talented, original film directors come along and make crazy, hilarious, and balls out actiony, post-apocalypse movies? Well, not since 1981! So, 27 years later, along comes Neil Marshall, and all you can say is "it's not original enough." To quote Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog: "Who gives a shit!?"




Okay, now that I've got a small portion of my hatred for modern film audiences out of the way, let's talk about why I loved this film. First off, Rhona Mitra is incredibly awesome, and incredibly hot, as Eden Sinclair, the videoscopic glass eye sporting, Snake Plissken eye patch wearing, chew you up and spit you out heroine of the film. Don't sit there and tell me I'm sexist for calling out Mitra's hotness, because I guarantee, every straight and gay woman who saw this movie agrees with me. On top of her (so to speak), we have Alexander Siddig (Deep Space Nine) playing an asshole PM. Bob Hoskins as Eden's chain smoking commander, Malcolm McDowell ruling a Scottish castle (complete with knights), and an ever lovin' gimp mobile, piloted by the halfbreed children of cannibals and soccer hooligans! If you don't like that, then there's nothing left that I can do for you.

I'm telling you right now, no matter how many bad reviews you read in the trades, or negative comments you hear from coworkers, or mindless negative reviews told to you by tasteless friends, go see this movie. I guarantee you'll like it.

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

Trailer