Review: Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Well folks, its been awhile since the last update. Our editor in chief has had some electrical impairments. But we are back! And what better cinematic tone to come back with than something so terrible it's awesome! I bring you: Hawk the Slayer Directed by Terry Marcel and written by Terry Marcel and Harry Robertson.

How to describe this film? I'll borrow one of my "Editor in Chief's" lead ins.

Do you like Jack Palance?

Do you like Elves that talk like 1950's robots?

Do you like extensive flute solos in your soundtrack?

Then you will love this movie! It's the story of Hawk, who's woman and father are both taken out by his dear older brother Voltan (excellently played by Jack Palance). The rest of the film is a cross between revenge story and heroic saving of.... drum roll please... an abby of nuns! Well okay actually it's to save the Abbes of the nuns.



Of course no revenge/rescue story would be complete with out the assembling of your heroic companions. We have a giant, who isn't all that giant really. An elf that makes Vulcans look emotional (and could double as Robby the Robot). A one handed man with a repeater crossbow (don't ask me how that works) and a tendency to be stabbed more than a pin cushion. And finally we have a dwarf that is more like a halfling, and less like a fierce dwarf warrior.

The strength of this film is in how terribly craptastic it is, while trying to be serious and good. Its got so many terrible technical choices its hard to list them all. The two that stick out the most for me are excessive early montage scenes and terrible cinematic effects to show speed. We, the viewer, are treated to two overly long and boring riding montage scenes involving the hero Hawk. But of course without these scenes we wouldn't be treated to such awesome flute heavy music.



Then of course there is the use of the same clip of film (the elf firing his bow, or the one-handed man with the repeater crossbow) being looped to show rapid bow fire. Normally I wouldn't cut the film slack for this, but it was so funny it won me over with its crappiness. There is more, but these are the two instances that really stuck out for me.

On the down side, the film's ending sets things up for a sequel. Of course its too terrible to ever get one, but it's so much fun to imagine it though.



To sum up, this is a terrible film. The main character Hawk is acted by a mannequin, and most of the secondary characters are terribly acted as well. Jack Palance's acting is the only real bright spot in the acting department. The plot is cliche and reminds me of several martial arts films I've seen in the past. At one point in the movie I thought a witch was trying to trap Hawk in the phantom zone (you know, from Superman 2). The sets are okay, and the music is awesomely bad. In the end it all ads up to great cheesy fun.

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Trailer

Baron Ironfury's Capsule Reviews

So, since this has been a week of new things here on TWTT, we are relaunching the capsule reviews, which will now fall totally under the purview of our own Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens. So, enjoy!

The Amateurs
Written and Directed by Michael Traeger

This is a funny and quirky comedy about people. You will be impressed with the difference of the characters these actors chose to portray, and the end result is impressing. In the end its a great comedy about a small town bunch trying to make an amateur porno (I haven't heard the word "porno" used this much since like the 1980's) and discovering that if you aren't a scum bag, amateur porn can be tricky to make.


Teeth
Written and Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

My friend and colleague Chuck Wilson already did an awesome full review of this on his blog, so I'm just giving my quick impression here. This movie is great. Its like a quirky comedy and horror movie had sex, and gave birth to a coming of age story with traits from both its parents. This is one of the most entertaining and multi-layered stories I've seen in a long while. Jess Weixler takes the movie over from scene one and never lets the spotlight shine anywhere else as she transforms from innocent to femme fatale. Never have I been quite so happy to see other men's junk get mangled.


The Wire Seasons 2 & 3

I was hooked on this show after just one season, but its not until season 2 that this show truly blossoms in to some form of art. The focus shifts from entirely drug dealers and cops, to unionized dock workers (no mobs here, just working men) as well as criminals and cops. Season two really reveals that this isn't so much a business as usual crime drama, as it is the story of a city told to us the viewer through the medium of excellent crime drama. Season 3 sees the story go back to the more traditional dealers and cops cast of characters, but we see more chickens come home to roost from season 1 & 2 in plots and vengeance. I told myself I was going to wait to watch seasons 4 & 5, but I'm starting to jones already.

Scream Queen of the Month: Patty Mullen

So, there seemed to be no reaction to my first clip of the week posting, so I can only assume it didn't do much for any of you. I might just drop that feature. For now, I've decided to try a different one and see how this goes. For TWTT's first scream queen of the month, I've decided to go with someone not very well know, but who has become close to my heart.

Filmography:
1. Frankenhooker (1990) .... Elizabeth Shelley
2. Doom Asylum (1987) .... Judy LaRue/Kiki LaRue

While she only starred in two horror films in her entire career so far, Patty Mullen, to fans of Frankenhooker and Doom Asylum, is unforgettable. A native of New Jersey, Patty rose to fame when she became the Penthouse Pet for their august 1986 issue. The next year, she was named Penthouse Pet of the year and this clearly helped propel her into her first film roll, Doom Asylum. While she refused to get nude for Doom Asylum, that didn't stop the filmmakers from advertising the fact that their film starred a Penthouse Pet, as advertised on their posters and ads. Don't worry though, she may not be nude in the film, but she spends the whole movie in a bikini. Awesome. And, while the role isn't that much of a stretch for a hot jersey girl, she'd later get a chance to flex her acting chops in Frankenhooker. In both films, one finds it hard not to fall in love with Patty's distinctive Jersey accent, goofy laugh, big smile, and hilarious performances. Below, I've posted, to my knowledge the only interview with Mrs. Mullen. Enjoy.

Clip of the Week: Blood Diner (1987)

So, I've decided to start this new weekly feature where, obviously, I'll be posting some of my favorite scenes from some of my favorite horror flicks. To start off, I thought I'd celebrate my acquisition of a nice Blood Diner bootleg, with my favorite clip from the film, featuring the world's toughest biker. Enjoy!