That Will Teach Them To Be Bad

Weekend Update

2008-10-26T00:58:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of capsule reviews this weekend. we're working on it. I imagine it'll be a big one next time, since the Baron has the week off. I myself am also a little dry on movie reviews. But, we have a few things in the pipeline. Hopefully we'll be posting some reviews in the next week or two from Chuck Wilson, and "Cinematic" Rich. I've also been toying with doing some kind of audio feature on here, but that'll be a ways off. Until then, may your holiday be creepy.

Scream Queen of the Month: Ashley Laurence

2008-10-22T01:09:00.000-04:00

Well, since the first one was a hit, as I promised, we have a new scream queen of the month, and a most appropriate month at that.

Filmography:
1. Red (2008) .... Mrs. McCormack
2. Chill (2007) .... Maria
3. Lightning Bug (2004) .... Jenny Graves
4. Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002) .... Kirsty
5. Warlock III: The End of Innocence (1999) .... Kris Miller
6. Cupid (1997) .... Jennifer Taylor
7. Lurking Fear (1994) .... Cathryn Farrell
8. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988) .... Kirsty Cotton
9. Hellraiser (1987) .... Kirsty Cotton

What is there I can say about Ashley Laurence that wont end with me appearing as some slobbering, slack jawed, uber-dork lusting uncontrollably. Not much. Just one look at her and you get a good sense of her magnetism. See her in a film, and you'll be hooked. And, while I suppose that most of you who visit this blog think she's a very talented actress, I can;t help but feel that she's still a bit of an unknown in the land of movies. She's the star of the first two Hellraiser movies, which are huge successes, but I never really hear her talked about much when it comes to the short list of great horror actresses. This is really a shame as well since she's also one of the nicest celebs I've ever met, and honestly, even hotter now than then. See for yourself, here. Anyway, I urge anyone out there who doesn;t have a strong memory of any of her performances, or who has only seen the Hellraiser flicks, to check out more of her work. She's a real talent. Oh, I forgot, she's also an accomplished painter. Check her out here.

Book Review: Locke & Key: Welcome to Lovecraft

2008-10-20T01:24:00.000-04:00

So, why a book review? Well, we all love movies, and horror movies especially, here at TWTT, but just like with anything else, you need to mix it up every now and then. I love writing about films. I've always been passionate about it, even to the point where I find it daunting at times. Therefore, I figured why not take a break from film and talk about this fab new graphic novel I picked up today, Locke & Key: Welcome to Lovecraft.

Locke & Key is written by Joe Hill, son of Stephen King and recipient of a shitload of awards, including two Stoker Awards. Now, before I get into the plot I need to issue a warning here. I am a huge fan of the writings of H.P. Lovecraft. He is easily my favorite horror author of all time and one of my favorite authors in general, regardless of genre. If you have no idea who I'm talking about, I would recommend two websites on the man and his writings: The H.P. Lovecraft Archive or, for a quick rundown, there's always Wikipedia. Anyway, the reason I bring all this up is because, the man's name is in the title of this book. But, what you Lovecraft fans need to know is that the story here has little to nothing to do with Lovecraft. Now, after reading this it's pretty clear to me that Joe Hill is well acquainted with both Lovecraft and his father's work, since the spice of both can be found here. So, if your looking for slimy, betentacled horrors, look elsewhere. Lovecraft is simply the name of the Massachusetts town our characters relocate to in the first issue.

The plot is pretty straight forward at first glance. One weekend afternoon, three siblings are out at their neighbors, fooling around. They return home to find their father being murdered by two of their high school classmates. They then must fight to survive themselves. After their terrible ordeal, they all move in with their uncle who owns Key House, a mainstay of the family's past for an undisclosed amount of time. It is here that they find strange creatures, living echoes, and doors that can lead a person in some unexpected directions. Now, I'm being a little vague here because I don't really want to give anything away. Sufficed to say, the tale is not as "magical" as it sounds, and is in reality down right disturbing at times. While I obviously felt the shadows of Lovecraft and King here, the association that I felt the strongest, and that popped into my mind first, was that of Clive Barker. Now, that could be a subconscious reaction on my part. You see, the illustrator of Locke & Key, is the same guy who did the recent Great and Secret Show graphic novel adaptation. That aside, I still think the dark fantasy elements here are reminiscent of the Abarat series, while the serial killer, family dynamic, and sexual elements are strongly influenced by some of Barker's earlier works. Don't get me wrong though; while all of these elements are strongly present, Joe Hill does bring his own distinctive and strong voice to the story. He is simply very adept at taking the mythology and styles of modern horror and drawing from that diverse pool, much like Neil Gaiman does with folklore and mythology.

Now, I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up illustrator Gabriel Rodriguez. I was a little put off by Rodriguez's artistic style. At first glance, his characters are drawn in a very vague, cartoony sort of way, with angular features, and a certain lack of facial definition. As I looked closer though, I realized how wrong I was. What may at first appear generic and caricaturish is in actuality highly detailed, but in an expressionistic style. This is confirmed by the amount of detail that can be found in his seemingly simple backgrounds, and everyday objects like the wood grain on a door, or a piece of jewelery. This combination of subtle expressionistic illustration, combined with Hill's ability to keep the constant danger lurking just beneath the surface is a strong mixture, and one that takes this book up another notch.

So, if any of you out there are getting burnt out on horror films or novels, or are simply looking for a good graphic novel to pass the time, then I couldn't recommend Locke & Key: Welcome to Lovecraft any higher.

Weekly Capsule Reviews

2008-10-18T02:47:00.007-04:00

Maid in Sweden
Directed by Dan Wolman and written by Ronnie Friedland and George T. Norris.

This is an erotic drama, which is an unusual choice for me. I thought it was a well made, if exploitative film, but I didn't like it. Don't get me wrong, I love soft core porn as much as the next guy (especially from Sweden!). But this movie takes a wrong turn early on with a rape scene that is glossed over by both the victim and raper. After that, everything else in the movie was tainted..ya know...with the RAPE! But it is a fairly decent, if standard, end of innocence story.

The Foot Fist Way
Directed by Jody Hill and Written by Jody Hill, Ben Best, and Danny R. McBride.

This was an unusual comedy that I waited a long time to see, since it was so indie it didn't come out in the Cincinnati area. I love Danny R. McBride, and he's been all over the two top comedies I saw this summer (Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder) and I can't say he disappoints in this either. That being said, this movie is a very dark comedy. Its funny, but more in a "hmmm..yes, amusing" kind of way rather than a "hahaha I'm dying here" kind of way. Its good, but don't go in expecting to laugh your ass off, this comedy is more stealthy..like a NINJA.

The TV Set
Written and Directed by Jake Kasdan.

This movie was excellent. If even a tenth of what is portrayed here is true, then I have even more respect for the few shows on television with integrity and quality. Its the story of a writer/creator who struggles to get his pilot made, and then picked up. All the while he is slowly having to compromise his vision. David Duchovny, Signourney Weaver (no one plays a souless bitch quite like you Sigourney!), and Ioan Gruffudd are excellent in this. Its funny, its tragic, its ...kind of, sort of, realistic. Its very watchable!

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Maniac Cop Lives!

2008-10-16T17:13:00.000-04:00

On the heels of the recent announcement by Bill Lusting that he and Larry Cohen are going to be doing a Maniac Cop 4, I came across a recent fan film by the highly talented Chris .R. Notarile. Chris is a struggling independent film maker who, for fun and notoriety, has done a number of fan films in the past along with his own original projects. You can checkout his work at Blinky Productions, where you can watch all his fan films, or buy DVD's of his original projects. His latest fan film (which is also serving as a bid to be included as a filmmaker in a new Maniac Cop film) features Matt Cordell himself, the Manaic Cop!

Review: Ghost Son (2006)

2008-10-12T17:02:00.006-04:00

Recently I had the awesome chance to go to the Cinema Wasteland convention in Cleveland and meet director Lamberto Bava and actress Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni. These two have made a lot of great films in their time, and a few of them they’ve made together. Unfortunately, while Ghost Son is one of those films they made together, it’s not a great one. As is often the case, Coralina is relegated to a supporting role here. The lead actress of the film is Laura Harring. While this may come as a surprise to some, given her popularity after her breakout in Lynch’s Mulholland Drive, it seems Laura has a soft spot for horror pictures. She has appeared in such gene projects as Silent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!, Willard, and All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos. Supporting Laura in the film are actos John Hannah (The Mummy Remake Series), Pete Postlewaite (Ususal Suspects, Alien 3), and Laura Harring’s giant breasts.

The film’s plot concerns Stacey (Laura Harring) moving to Africa to be with her boyfriend Mark (John Hannah) against the urging of her best friend Beth (Coralina). Sadly, in what can only be considered really shitty timing, Mark is killed in a car accident not long after Stacey arrives. She then becomes haunted by Mark’s ghost. He tries to get her to commit suicide, and even rapes her one night; Nice. Soon Stacey finds out she’s pregnant and gives birth to a little boy, only to be really creepily freaked out when Mark possesses their baby and tries to mack on her; Icky. Things get even creepier and weirder from there.

Now, this film is not very good. Don’t get me wrong; the cast is excellent and Bava’s cinematic eye is as sharp as always. The big problem here is that nothing really unpredictable or horrifying happens until the fifty minute mark. By then, if it wasn’t for Ms. Harring’s knockers, I’d be fighting to stay awake. Once the baby becomes possessed by Mark’s ghost, things finally kick in and we’re treated to some really weird and creepy shit. Unfortunately, the films climax is also a bit of a letdown, and is simply underwhelming. The film does benefit greatly though by being shot and set in Africa. This adds a really different vibe to the proceedings and, in my opinion, is an underused setting for genre films in general.

So, while this may be one of Bava’s weaker efforts (mostly due to the uneven script), it’s still worth checking out for fans of Bava, Coralina, or the hot Laura Harring. Even considering the problems here, I’m just happy it’s not a fall from grace for Bava of recent Romero proportions. Check it out.

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

The Baron's Weekly Capsule Reviews

2008-10-11T03:06:00.005-04:00

As I say above, "weekly." I promise, from now on.

Drillbit Taylor
Directed by Steven Brill and Written by Kristofor Brown & Seth Rogen.

This is a fun goofy comedy in the same vein as 40 Year Old Virgin and Superbad. I am not a fan of Owen Wilson at all, yet this movie was funny enough to get me to ignore his inherent mild retardation (thats right, I said retarded. Come get me anti-defamation league!). Its fun to watch nerds, and even a heavy nerd (a rarity in films) fight back and come out on top for a change.

The Kingdom
Directed by Peter Berg and written by Matthew Michael Carnahan.

This is a great movie. It pulls you (the American audience) in right from the beginning, and it doesn't let you go until the closing credits. The characters, the cinematography, the setting, it's all top notch. This may be the best thing I've seen Jaime Fox and Jennifer Garner in (not to mention some good work from Jason Bateman and Chris Cooper). By the end of the movie you understand that not every person from the Arab/Muslim world is a terrorist, but those who are probably will never be moved to stop their atrocities. This is a MUST WATCH!!!

In Bruges
Directed and Written by Martin McDonagh.

This is an excellent bit of dark comedy (emphasis on the dark; think "Hamlet" and you'll get an idea of character survivability in this flick). The cast does an excellent job, even Colin Farrell (a rabid little miscreant who's acting skills I usually despise) playing Ray, an uncouth retard (so the casting took the actors strengths and used them). Over all it's a great little bit of film from a first time writer/director, and if you like black comedies about hitmen/criminals with midget interludes, drug fueled rants about future race wars, and great medieval architecture...well then you will love this movie.

The Darjeeling Limited
Directed by Wes Anderson and Written by Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola, and Jason Schwartzman.

Okay, let me say, I hated this film. The characters are annoying (two of which are portrayed by actors I can't stand: Owen Wilson and Adrien Brody), the plot seems to go nowhere and take forever doing it!, and the short film prelude, is like a micro-cosom of the larger film (i.e. annoying, pointless, and slow). This film acted as the crap chaser that only emphasized the delicious flavors of the "okay to good" films I watched in this batch.

Entourage: Season 4
Created by Doug Ellin.

The show is a very glitzy sharp and funny tale of ultra-hippster actor Vincent Chase and his hangers on (a brother, a manager, and a childhood parasite known as Turtle). This show is a guilty pleasure for me, its a fun look into the industry of shallow values and crazy drama addicts. A friend of mine once declared it Sex and the City for men, and I'm a little embarrassed to say that's not untrue. Season 3 of this show sees our five main characters grow in their industry, if not there lives (though some of that happens too) as Vince and manager Eric (E for short) are producers on Vince's latest starring movie. They will reap the rewards and suffer all the problems this entails.

Battlestar Galactica:
Season 3
Created by Ronald D. Moore

This season of Galactica, more than any previous season, is heavily character driven. The plot is still there, but it kind of takes a backseat to the development of characters and their relationships with other characters. So its not a bad, or poorly made season. But I had to wait to watch this on DVD, quite a long wait my friends. And not seeing the story moved forward as much as I would like after so long a wait, I can't say that didn't annoy me some. And the ending is a cliffhanger! I already get that from Lost guys, I don't need another ultra-serious sci-fi drama that always ends with cliffhangers. It was a good solid season, but not my favorite season so far.

Hot Rod
Directed by Akiva Schaffer and Written by Pam Brady.

I'm not going to lie to you folks. This movie is silly and ridiculous. Its got crazy hilarious fights, large quantities of hair-band music in the score, and even some poop humor. And I loved every minute of it! The cast is super bad-ass! You have recent SNL alumni Andy Samberg and Bill Hader, then you have Danny R. McBride that seems to have exploded into every single funny movie I've seen this summer (Pineapple Express, Foot Fist Way, Tropic Thunder), and then you have Ian McShane as Rod's ultra-tough step-father. This movie is legit. Its too legit, and so it must not ever quit!

News Rant: Poor Kevin Smith

2008-10-09T19:08:00.004-04:00

So, Kevin Smith has been ranting on about his "horror film" Red State that he wants to make. While making the rounds on the news site Ain't it Cool News and chatting about his new film Zack and Miri Make a Porn (which sounds way too much like the recent film The Amateurs) he was asked about the status of Red State:

"I'm still trying to find money for Red State, though, admittedly, I haven't been looking that hard yet, since it's not something I'm gonna get to 'til March the earliest. Early prospects, however, look dim. Problem is, the flick is bleak. Beyond bleak, even. Remember how bleak Dark Knight was? This flick makes the bleakness level in that flick seem Beverly Hills Chihuahua bleak. Sadly, while the flick's bleaker than Dark Knight, it's also not nearly as good as Dark Knight. Or as commercial. Or commercial at all, really. The commercial prospects for Red State are not good."

So he's barely asked anyone about funding this project and has already come to the conclusion it's "too bleak". So, it's bleaker than The Strangers, 30 Days of Night, Quarantine or any of the other "bleak" horror flicks released lately? That aside, if it's not as good as Dark Knight, which I liked but didn't think was the holy grail of film making like some, maybe they're shooting it down because... it's not very good! He goes on to say this:

"The question, then, would be "Why bother?" For some reason, I feel like I've gotta make this flick. Part of the reason is that I never really feel like a filmmaker most days; more of a writer who gets to direct his own flicks. Trying my hand at another genre that's 180 degrees away from anything else I've ever done might finally answer the question (for me) of whether or not I truly am a filmmaker, or just the guy who makes the dick and fart jokes movies. I suspect it's the latter. I guess we'll see. Maybe."

What the fuck? Don't get me wrong, I like two of Kevin Smith's films, I don't think he's total shit, but give me a fucking break. Your not sure you're a film maker? So, it takes NINE fucking movies to figure out whether you should just stick to screenwriting? If your not comfortable behind the camera, then get the fuck out of there. I'm sure someone else can make your "dick and fart jokes movies." Stop subjecting the world to what must be the most expensive creative self discovery/wank-fest of all time. You know what? There are lots of film makers out there who do belong behind the camera, so shit or get off the pot. How pathetic.

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

Review: Hawk the Slayer (1980)

2008-09-25T23:49:00.007-04:00

Well folks, its been awhile since the last update. Our editor in chief has had some electrical impairments. But we are back! And what better cinematic tone to come back with than something so terrible it's awesome! I bring you: Hawk the Slayer Directed by Terry Marcel and written by Terry Marcel and Harry Robertson.

How to describe this film? I'll borrow one of my "Editor in Chief's" lead ins.

Do you like Jack Palance?

Do you like Elves that talk like 1950's robots?

Do you like extensive flute solos in your soundtrack?

Then you will love this movie! It's the story of Hawk, who's woman and father are both taken out by his dear older brother Voltan (excellently played by Jack Palance). The rest of the film is a cross between revenge story and heroic saving of.... drum roll please... an abby of nuns! Well okay actually it's to save the Abbes of the nuns.

Of course no revenge/rescue story would be complete with out the assembling of your heroic companions. We have a giant, who isn't all that giant really. An elf that makes Vulcans look emotional (and could double as Robby the Robot). A one handed man with a repeater crossbow (don't ask me how that works) and a tendency to be stabbed more than a pin cushion. And finally we have a dwarf that is more like a halfling, and less like a fierce dwarf warrior.

The strength of this film is in how terribly craptastic it is, while trying to be serious and good. Its got so many terrible technical choices its hard to list them all. The two that stick out the most for me are excessive early montage scenes and terrible cinematic effects to show speed. We, the viewer, are treated to two overly long and boring riding montage scenes involving the hero Hawk. But of course without these scenes we wouldn't be treated to such awesome flute heavy music.

Then of course there is the use of the same clip of film (the elf firing his bow, or the one-handed man with the repeater crossbow) being looped to show rapid bow fire. Normally I wouldn't cut the film slack for this, but it was so funny it won me over with its crappiness. There is more, but these are the two instances that really stuck out for me.

On the down side, the film's ending sets things up for a sequel. Of course its too terrible to ever get one, but it's so much fun to imagine it though.

To sum up, this is a terrible film. The main character Hawk is acted by a mannequin, and most of the secondary characters are terribly acted as well. Jack Palance's acting is the only real bright spot in the acting department. The plot is cliche and reminds me of several martial arts films I've seen in the past. At one point in the movie I thought a witch was trying to trap Hawk in the phantom zone (you know, from Superman 2). The sets are okay, and the music is awesomely bad. In the end it all ads up to great cheesy fun.

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Trailer

Baron Ironfury's Capsule Reviews

2008-09-07T02:28:00.009-04:00

So, since this has been a week of new things here on TWTT, we are relaunching the capsule reviews, which will now fall totally under the purview of our own Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens. So, enjoy!

The Amateurs
Written and Directed by Michael Traeger

This is a funny and quirky comedy about people. You will be impressed with the difference of the characters these actors chose to portray, and the end result is impressing. In the end its a great comedy about a small town bunch trying to make an amateur porno (I haven't heard the word "porno" used this much since like the 1980's) and discovering that if you aren't a scum bag, amateur porn can be tricky to make.

Teeth
Written and Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

My friend and colleague Chuck Wilson already did an awesome full review of this on his blog, so I'm just giving my quick impression here. This movie is great. Its like a quirky comedy and horror movie had sex, and gave birth to a coming of age story with traits from both its parents. This is one of the most entertaining and multi-layered stories I've seen in a long while. Jess Weixler takes the movie over from scene one and never lets the spotlight shine anywhere else as she transforms from innocent to femme fatale. Never have I been quite so happy to see other men's junk get mangled.

The Wire Seasons 2 & 3

I was hooked on this show after just one season, but its not until season 2 that this show truly blossoms in to some form of art. The focus shifts from entirely drug dealers and cops, to unionized dock workers (no mobs here, just working men) as well as criminals and cops. Season two really reveals that this isn't so much a business as usual crime drama, as it is the story of a city told to us the viewer through the medium of excellent crime drama. Season 3 sees the story go back to the more traditional dealers and cops cast of characters, but we see more chickens come home to roost from season 1 & 2 in plots and vengeance. I told myself I was going to wait to watch seasons 4 & 5, but I'm starting to jones already.

Scream Queen of the Month: Patty Mullen

2008-09-03T23:07:00.008-04:00

So, there seemed to be no reaction to my first clip of the week posting, so I can only assume it didn't do much for any of you. I might just drop that feature. For now, I've decided to try a different one and see how this goes. For TWTT's first scream queen of the month, I've decided to go with someone not very well know, but who has become close to my heart.

Filmography:
1. Frankenhooker (1990) .... Elizabeth Shelley
2. Doom Asylum (1987) .... Judy LaRue/Kiki LaRue

While she only starred in two horror films in her entire career so far, Patty Mullen, to fans of Frankenhooker and Doom Asylum, is unforgettable. A native of New Jersey, Patty rose to fame when she became the Penthouse Pet for their august 1986 issue. The next year, she was named Penthouse Pet of the year and this clearly helped propel her into her first film roll, Doom Asylum. While she refused to get nude for Doom Asylum, that didn't stop the filmmakers from advertising the fact that their film starred a Penthouse Pet, as advertised on their posters and ads. Don't worry though, she may not be nude in the film, but she spends the whole movie in a bikini. Awesome. And, while the role isn't that much of a stretch for a hot jersey girl, she'd later get a chance to flex her acting chops in Frankenhooker. In both films, one finds it hard not to fall in love with Patty's distinctive Jersey accent, goofy laugh, big smile, and hilarious performances. Below, I've posted, to my knowledge the only interview with Mrs. Mullen. Enjoy.

Clip of the Week: Blood Diner (1987)

2008-09-01T22:59:00.003-04:00

So, I've decided to start this new weekly feature where, obviously, I'll be posting some of my favorite scenes from some of my favorite horror flicks. To start off, I thought I'd celebrate my acquisition of a nice Blood Diner bootleg, with my favorite clip from the film, featuring the world's toughest biker. Enjoy!

Review: The Last Winter (2006)

2008-08-26T03:01:00.005-04:00

The Last Winter is director Larry Fessenden’s fourth feature film and his most high profile to date. This film tells the story of a team of oil company workers in the arctic, attempting to establish a base of operations for a controversial new drilling operation. Two things automatically sprung to mind when I first read about this film: environmental issues, and John Carpenter’s The Thing. Let me get both of these out of the way. First, this film does have a strong environmental message. How strong you ask? Well, during the film there is a montage of ecological disasters as one of the characters talks about how we hate our planet so much. Preachy? You bet. Thankfully, this scene is short and the majority of the film is free from such ham-handed sociopolitical posturing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the green thing, but while I don’t mind it being a theme in my movies, don’t hit me over the head with it and don’t stop the film to try and “educate” me, it’s insulting. Secondly, there’s the obvious comparison to John Carpenter’s The Thing, as well as the original The Thing From Another World. Do the films compare? Not really. While both are horror films set in the arctic and feature some kind of “monster”, the monster in Last Winter is very subtle, very CGI, and very spiritual. Oh, and bloodless. So, don’t go in expecting a sweet creature feature. Does this mean that Last Winter is bad? Not at all. As a matter of fact, I found the film quite good for the most part and a definite step forward directorially for Larry Fessenden.

While Fessenden’s previous films haven’t really starred any actors of note, he manages to make a major coup here by casting Ron Perlman as the team captain and main source of frustration and hostility towards our “hero” environmentalist character played by James LeGros. As if their personal views about the environment and politics didn’t put them in enough of a conflict with each other, Fessenden throws in the fact that LeGros’ character is sleeping with Perlman’s ex-squeeze played superbly by Connie Britton. Perlman really steals the show here which is a bit unfortunate for LeGros, whose understated straight man is very well done. However, far be it for me to complain about Ron Perlman eating up the scenery. The man is a consummate actor and a joy to watch in any film.

If you’re not familiar with Fessenden or his previous films, No Telling, Habit, and Wendigo, allow me to prepare you for if you choose to seek out this film. Larry’s films are almost always horror films, but most of the horror is either implied through trippy, psychedelic camera work or atmospheric shots of people staring into nothingness. Now, this is very effective but essentially all of his films are character driven conflict first and foremost. Compared to Wendigo, which Last Winter is essentially a sequel to, Last Winter’s horror elements are downright vulgar in their displays of existence, manifesting in the form of CGI spirits. Unfortunately, for the most part, these CGI critters just don’t work. There are a few instances where they’re effective, but since their presence is simply implied through most of the film, when we do finally see them up close, they’re a bit of a letdown.

Other than the atmosphere and CGI critters, the horror here is found in the idea of the melting permafrost unleashing substances that have been frozen for tens of thousands of years. On top of that, it is pointed out that the oil they are drilling for is essentially the decomposed remains of ancient living beings. This corruption of nature is hammered home by the vague Native American spiritual underpinnings delivered to us by some ethnic cast members. While this part may sound like the preachy bit, I actually found this a fascinating twist on the “nature run amuck” subgenre. So, if you think you can handle what is essentially a bunch of atmosphere and conversations, followed by a bunch of CGI ghosts, then I suggest you give this film a chance. It’s not great, and has a lot of problems, but I found the good outweighed the bad, and perhaps against my better judgment, I liked it.

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

Review: Lifeforce (1985)

2008-08-24T12:50:00.007-04:00

I recently rewatched a horror movie from my childhood, Lifeforce. From Director Tobe Hooper and screen play written by Dan O'bannon and Don Jakoby from the novel The Space Vampires by Colin Wilson. In researching this film a little bit I looked into what else Tobe Hooper had directed, and the list was fairly notable. Aside from his obvious Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, he directed: Salem's Lot, Poltergeist, and the 1980's remake of Invaders from Mars. Then there are countless TV shows he's worked on episodes of over the years, or particular note is a show that failed but I loved called The Others about psychics banding together to help stem the rising tide of dark spiritual activity occurring. So this guy is impressing me a lot.

This movie, Lifeforce, is one of a few horror movies from my childhood that have made very lasting impressions of me. Its one of the horror films that scenes and concepts from have always influenced my horror tastes and will always bubble up to the surface of my mind. So I was a little worried about re-watching it after 20 some odd years of not having seen it. But I was still blown away at how engaging this movie is. Now let me say from the beginning that this story has some flaws, and I'll go over them later, but I feel its strengths and unique vision far out way any narrative flaws.

This movie is essentially Dracula in space. OK, the head vampire is female, and OK, there are 3 vamps rather than 1; but the broad strokes are the same. Instead of people dying on a sea going vessel as Dracula's coffin is transported to London, its people dying on a space shuttle as space coffins (all clear and glass-like) are transported back to London. Then the vamp escapes, and manages to turn some other people into vamps, and they turn to friends, and they turn to friends, and soon its like a vamp pyramid scheme! Until finally one lone S.A.S. hero and one lone scientist find that thing that will stop the vamps, and its used. Of course it seems like the vamps are stopped, but maybe they aren't. This film could have been sequalled easily, but thankfully was not. I like narratives that live the after story to my imagination.

So, strong points. If you follow the basic broad strokes of the Dracula narrative, just up dating image and making certain things more contemporary (while still keeping the pre-destined love thing, but reversing genders) its hard to go wrong. The creature and physical effects are great! Those drained of life by these "Nosferatu from another planet" are dessicated mummies, that in 2 hours get up and try and suck someone else's lifeforce out. And these victims are cool and creepy looking. For the time this film was made (1985) these were top notch physical effects. Not to mention it has cool light effects for the energy form of the vamps and the visual of life force being taken. Think of a mix between ball lightning floating around, drawing smaller ball lightning out of people and you'll come close. Again, for 1985 this was cutting edge stuff, and still holds up well today as it was used effectively. Third, the acting is so very awesomely British, its hard not to love it (even if it is over the top at times).

Now, to the weak points. It is a rehashing of plot points from Dracula, so some would hit it for that. The acting is a bit over the top. The biggest weak point I found was certain problems with the plot. I'm fine with astronauts bringing back alien life forms, that makes complete sense. What doesn't make a lot of sense to me is the veritable lack of security where they are kept. This is set in the U.K. so I don't know what their military is like, I can only think of how the military is in the USA. I can't see alien lifeforms being brought onto U.S. soil and not being kept under strict lock and key by the military. Add to this that fact that the compound these vamps are kept on has "zero" panic alarms (maybe I've just watched too much SG-1, but I feel compounds housing potentially dangerous shite should have a panic button in each room) so when the vamps are scene by an administrator over CCTV, he has to run down several levels of stairs to go and see the girl vamp finish her midnight feeding and then escape. I'm not saying she couldn't have escaped from higher security (since that's kind of crucial to the plot) but it would have seemed less like a joke in the long run. That's my only really major weak point for the movie, that the military wasn't in on guarding these aliens from the beginning.

So to wrap it up. I loved this movie, even after 20+ years since my last viewing (and that I was a child when I last saw it). Its a cool 1980's space rehashing of Dracula, with a hot chick naked through out most of the movie and great F/X too. If you call yourself a fan of Tobe Hooper because of his first movie (I think it was set in Texas), then you owe it to yourself to watch another (very different) film from him. And I nominate this one!

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Chuck Wilson's Underrated Horror Classics: Crawlspace (1986)

2008-08-16T00:42:00.004-04:00

He seduces them in his mind and traps them in his crawlspace.

Today’s Underrated Classic is the rarely seen or talked about Klaus Kinski tour-de-force, Crawlspace from 1986 (not to be confused with the 1972 made-for-TV film of the same name). The film begins with a young girl traveling up the stairs of an apartment complex stopping at Mr. Gunther’s (Klaus Kinski) room. The door is ajar and inside she discovers several bizarre things: rats in cages, a film projector, a white cat and…a woman in a cage. Suddenly Mr. Gunter appears from out of the shadows to calmly point out that the woman cannot speak (he cut out her tongue) and that it is, “a shame…I liked you”, suddenly releasing a booby trap that impales the girl. He then plays a game of Russian Roulette (in a scene that plays out several times throughout the film) and after “wining”, he proclaims, “So be it” and quickly flips over a For Rent sign. Queue the opening credits, which play over POV shots traveling through the air ducts, aka the “crawlspace” of the apartment building, which will play a key roll later in the movie.

We then cut to a scantily clad woman, Sophie (Tane McClure) who is undressing, while a creepy man watches outside her window. Unbeknown to her/them Mr. Gunter is watching them both through the air duct. Seems the two are playing a little home invasion/rape sex fantasy with Gunther watching on. The next day a young college student, Lori Bancroft (Talia Balsam), arrives to inquire about the apartment; Gunther is quickly (and creepily) enthralled with her and demands that she take the room. A couple of the noisy neighbors, Jessica and Harriet (Barbara Whinnery), comment on how Gunther only rents to young attractive women (“What is his secret?”). He retires to his hidden room and writes (again, another reoccurring scene-namely to introduce his back story) in his diary before trying to feed his captive, Martha (Sally Brown), who in the process passes him a note asking him to kill her. (“I can’t kill you…who would I talk to?”)

The tenants all meet for a little booze and sweets party, which of course is watched by Gunther, who releases a trap door that sends a rat into their room, scaring the girls and turning Gunther on. Later he watches Lori, making noises that she mistakes for another rat. When she goes up to complain, Gunter really tries to lay on the charm, but she declines. We get more voice over back-story in which we discover that his father was a Nazi, who sent his wife and young son to live in South America. Gunther grew up and also became a surgeon, but after discovering his father’s diaries, in which he recounted how he killed patients, Gunter begins to experimenting and eventually killing his own patients. At first the killings were to put severely/terminally ill patients out of their misery, but soon became an addiction, producing in him a god like sensation (“Killing is the only way I feel alive…killing is my heroin, by opiate, my fix.”). That night Gunther interrupts the fantasy lovebirds and kills Hank before he can recreate another fantasy booty-call. Once again Gunter plays roulette-seems after every murder he does this, and if he lives he continues killing.

The next day a strange man, Josef Steiner (Kenneth Robert Shippy), from his past arrives-seems Steiner’s brother was a former patient/victims of Gunther’s and he has spent the past few years tracking him down; trying to convince everyone that Gunther is a murderer. Steiner produces a photo reviling that Gunther’s father, one of the top Nazi experimental surgeons, was executed for war crimes and also produces a photo that shows that Gunther himself was a Nazi Youth.

Gunther is disturbed and begins upping his watching/stalking antics, becoming increasingly violent and brazen in each. He also begins constructing a slew of killing machines and booby traps. That night Jessica (Carol Francis), the soap opera star, brings home a date: some rich douche who starts to put on the moves but can’t complete the deed because of Gunther’s noise-making from the air duct-which again is mistaken for rodents. He attempts to leave but becomes Gunther’s next victim. Steiner returns to interview Gunther’s tenants, namely Lori, who finds him intrusive and refuses to cooperate. Steiner is then lured into Gunther’s room were he falls victim to another booby trap. After one final round of roulette, Gunther falls completely off his rocker: putting on makeup, dressing up as a Nazi while watching Hitler propaganda films, and going on a final killing spree of everyone in the building.

The ending plays out like Halloween (1978) in which Lori (humm…) slowly discovers all the bodies and then must confront Gunther in one long, dragged-out fight/chase involving several twists and surprises-and more nods to Hitchcock and De Palma than you can shake a stick at! As I mentioned earlier, this is a Kinski tour-de-force, outside of his films with Herzog (which are all incredible) this is probably his best performance: subtle, sinister, charming, creepy, sympathetic in the beginning and just plain psychotic towards the end. Even his calm voice-overs added a nice touch to a character that is extremely flawed yet likable. The movie is also a character study, not just of a person going insane, but also of the Serial Killer-something that was being wildly talked about at the time. Crawlspace was released the same year as Manhunter, which dealt with many of the same themes and ushered in the serial killer vs. profiler/forensic trend, which continues to be popular in movies and especially television today. I could also discuss the whole “voyeur” concept and symbolism, but that would be too pretentious don’t you think?

While the body count is high, there is very little gore, as much of the killings occur off screen-yet you do witness the aftermath, as Gunther tends to collect “parts” which he displays in jars. Perhaps he is constructing the perfect person, a la The House that Screamed (used again in May). The film is heavily influenced by Hitchcock and De Palma, even using the composer Pino Donaggio (frequent collaborator of De Palma) to write the score. The film was shot by Sergio Salvati, who is mostly known in horror circles as the DP on all of Fulci’s best films. The movie was directed by David Schmoeller, who also directed Tourist Trap (1979), as well as the classic Puppet Master (1989), and produced by Charles Band, the legendary “hack” producer behind about a million direct-to-DVD titles released through Full Moon.Fans of serial killer films, Hitchcock/De Palma-style thrillers, or Kinski should definitely check this out. It was released on one of those double bill Midnight Movies DVDs from MGM a few years back (with The Attic, another underappreciated film) but is now OOP, but you can get it from Blockbuster On-Line or possibly Netflix.

Sam Raimi Returns

2008-08-14T01:38:00.004-04:00

As some of you may or may not know, the Evil Dead films are some of my favorite horror films of all time, true American classics. Well, after years of making some pretty damn fine Spider-man movies, Sam Raimi is finally returning to horror. Raimi's new film, called Drag Me to Hell, is a story about a young woman who falls under an evil curse. Originally, when I first heard about this project, it was set to star Ellen Page, and I almost creamed my pants. However, she had to pull out before filming and was replaced by Alison Lohman.

Quite the little cuite, no? So, while I was a little disappointed there, I was still pretty psyched. Well, then I heard that the film would be more of a mood piece than a gory, crazy horror show. I became very depressed by this. While I was still sure that the film would be good, I simply figured it would be more like The Gift, than Evil Dead. So, while I was sulking, the San Diego Comic Con was going on. At said con, Raimi brought a clip from his new flick, and some wonderful soul recorded it from the audience. Obviously, the clip was pulled pretty fast. So, I figured I would post it here for all my pals out there to see, and to educate anyone who may not know about the film. Enjoy this kick ass clip, which has totally renewed my faith in this film. Keep in mind, this is a pretty poor quality recording.

Review: The Dead Pit (1989)

2008-08-12T02:27:00.011-04:00

Do you like zombies?

Do you like movies set in insane asylums?

Do you like incredibly hot chicks who spend the whole film in their panties and a t-shirt?

Well, if you don't, there must be something wrong with you! For those who are not familiar with the film (like myself until recently), this late 80's cult classic zombie film has apparently had a dedicated following ever since it hit video store shelves with its famous light up video cover. The Dead Pit was the directorial debut of Brett Leonard who went on to direct such turd piles as Lawnmower Man, Virtuosity, Sigfried and Roy's the Magic Box, Man-Thing, and Highlander: The Source! Whew! Talk about living down to your potential. While it is somewhat heartbreaking that Leonard's best film is his first, The Dead Pit should still stand for a long time after he's gone as a simply damn fun little picture.

The story concerns a mad neurosurgeon who is killed after it's discovered he's been performing bizarre surgical/quasi-satanic magical procedures on his patients. We then jump forward twenty years to see a young woman, with a bad case of amnesia, named Jane Doe being admitted to the same mental institution. Soon, the buried secrets of Dr. Ramzi and his experiments begin to surface as Jane's forgotten past begins flooding back. Basically what you'll get is a pretty amusing slow burn thriller with a balls to the wall final act when the zombies finally come out of Ramzi's pit. One of the biggest attractions of this film for me is the the female lead Cheryl Lawson. Lawson apparently started out as a stunt woman but she gives a solid performance here, mostly in her underpants. So, not only is she talented, she's also a real knockout and can scream with the best of them. Think a sexier Heather Langenkamp. Plus, we get to see her boobs.

Another notable feature of the film are the zombies themselves. There's really no set of "laws" that apply to these zombies. Do head shots kill them? Who knows. The fact that they're a combination of surgery and evil magic make them quite unique in the annals of zombie film history. The other thing about this film I really loved was that it was set and filmed in a real decrepit insane asylum. I've always had a love affair with abandoned buildings and particularly asylums ever since I saw Brad Anderson's superb Session 9. Plus, I'm a big H.P. Lovecraft fan and the Danvers asylum from Session 9 is mentioned in a few of his stories. This creates a nice blend of 80's cheese, low budget horror, and creepy atmospherics, resulting in a film that, while not a cinematic masterpiece, has ended up on my fun flick short list.

Now, many of you who know the film, or who may never have seen it, know of it primarily from its distinctive VHS video box that we all saw numerous times on the Blockbuster, Movie Gallery, and mom and pop video rental shelves. For those who've never seen the film, the lead zombie, Dr. Ramzi, occasional has red glowing eyes; this ties into the whole supernatural/magic/satanic angle of the film. There's no doubt that this was a truly great video cover (see the above photo), that was probably responsible for most of the films cult success. However, if your pissed that the DVD does not feature the same cool light up googlie eyes, I'd suggest you take it up with Bill Olsen, owner of Code Red DVD. You can hear his hilarious thoughts and feelings about this issue in the video below.

(as heard on Dead Pit Radio)

Anyway, box art aside, you can probably tell that I really enjoy this film. Its nothing special in the long run, but I just can't help but love it. It's perfect for a boring weekend afternoon, a party with friends, etc. So please, support Code Red DVD and go pick up the exclusive 2-disc special edition at your local Best Buy (for only $14.99!). You'll be glad you did.

We Now Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program... UPDATE (8/4)

2008-08-02T00:29:00.005-04:00

The weekend numbers for the film are in, and, if spun correctly, don't look too bad. Check out Bloody Disgusting's article on it here.

Instead of the usual capsule reviews, I've decided to do an emergency post on a horror news story I've been following. The crisis at hand concerns the new adaptation of Clive Barker's short story, Midnight Meat Train. Bloody-Disgusting reports:

"I've been sitting in the back seat watching the stories unfold regarding Lionsgate vs. Clive Barker about his film The Midnight Meat Train. We reported awhile back that the film was slated to open in limited theaters on August 1st, which is all fine and dandy, until I found out that the film is opening in dollar theaters... yeah, $1 theaters. "They're dumping it at mostly dollar theaters (the second run theaters, so it'll make even LESS money)," writes B-D reader Brian W. (one of a handful who wrote in). "It's playing at a Dollar Theater in Norwalk and Oklahoma and Idaho. Check MovieTickets.com if you don't believe me. " The question is, why does Lionsgate want the movie to make less money than it would normally in limited theaters? I'm going to investigate this further as something seems off." - Mr. Disgusting at Bloody-Disgusting

Well, no information has come to light as yet on why they're burying this film. All the early reviews have been fairly positive. It's a Barker adaptation, directed by Ryuhei Kitamura of Versus fame. All signs point to a winner. The only thing I can figure is that there are some bizarre internal politics at work in Lionsgate and this has nothing to do with the film itself, but some assholes personal problems. This is all too common. I myself joined the letter writing campaign to Lionsgate and all we can hope is that the list of Dollar theaters continues to grow, and that this film is a huge hit on DVD, thus delivering a swift kick to the balls of the idiots at Lionsgate behind this move. I will now list the theaters this is currently confirmed to be playing at:

Thanks to DreadCentral.com for compiling this list.

Western US

Tiffany plaza 6 in (Denver, CO)
Temeku Discount Cinema (Temecula,CA)
Cinemark Movies 10 (Cathedral City,CA) (Tickets Online!)
La Mirada Dollar Movie 7 (La Mirada,CA)
Cinemark Movies 12 Lancaster (Lancaster,CA)
Bell Canyon Pavilions 8 (Phoenix,AZ)
Superstition Mall (Mesa,AZ)
Cinemark Movies 8 (Provo,UT)
Cinemark Valley Fair 9 (West Valley City,UT)
Cinemark Movies West 8 Cinema (Albuquerque,NM)
Cinemark Sugar House 10 (Salt Lake City,UT)
Cinemark Movies 8 Theatre (Albuquerque,NM)
East Pointe Movies 12 (El Paso,TX)
Cinemark Movies 12 (Springfield,OR)
Westgate Mall Cinema 6 (Amarillo,TX)
Gateway Movies 8 (Federal Way,WA) (Tickets Online!)
Cinemark Movies 12 (Laredo,TX)
Cinemark Movies 16 (San Antonio,TX)
Northpark 7 (Oklahoma City,OK)
Robinson Crossing 8 (Norman,OK)
Crossroads Movies 8 (Oklahoma City,OK)
Cinemark Round Rock-Discount Movies 8 (Round Rock,TX)
Cinemark Movies 8 (North Richland Hills,TX)
Palace Theatre West (Wichita,KS)
Starplex Irving Cinema 10 (Irving,TX)
Movies 8 (Lewisville,TX)
Cinemark Tandy 10 ILittle Rock, AK) (Tickets Online!)
Nuart on Santa Monica August 15th at midnight

Eastern US

Carmike Maxi-Saver 12 (West Mufflin, PA) (Tickets Online!)
Cinemark Movies 10 (Rochester,NY) (Tickets Online!)
Millcreek Cinema 6 (Erie,PA)
Cinemark Movies 8 (Youngstown,OH)
Cinemark Willoughby Hills Movies 10 (Wickliffe,OH)
Cinemark Movies 10 (North Canton,OH)
Cinemark Movies 10 (Lynchburg,VA)
Silver Cinemas - Macomb Mall (Roseville,MI)
Cinema 10 (Mansfield,OH)
Carmike Blue Ridge 14 (Raleigh,NC)
Starplex Cinemas - Mesquite Cinemas 10 (Mesquite, TX)
Cinemark Movies 16 Warren (Warren,MI)
Cinemark Movie 12 (Columbus,OH)
Danbarry Dollar Saver Huber Hgts. (Huber Heights,OH)
Danbarry Dollar Saver S. Dayton (Dayton,OH)
Cinemark Movies 10 (Matthews,NC)
Kerasotes Richmond Cinema 10 (Richmond,IN)
Coventry 13 (Fort Wayne,IN)
Danbarry Dollar Saver Cinemas W. Hills (Cincinnati,OH)
Danbarry Cinemas Turfway (Florence,KY)
Carmike 10 Lexington (Lexington,KY)
Cinemark University Park 6 (Mishawaka,IN)
Washington Market Movies 8 (Indianapolis,IN)
Cinemark Movies 8--Greenwood Corners (Indianapolis,IN)
Greentree Cinema 10 (Clarksville,IN)
Premiere Nasa Dollar 8 (Premiere Cinema Movies) (Webster, TX)
Carmike Movies 7 (Knoxville,TN)
Marcus Regency Cinemas (Racine,WI) (Tickets Online!)
Carmike 10 (Birmingham, AL)
Touchstar Colonial Promenade 6 (Orlando, FL)
Carmike Palm Cinema 3 (Lakeland, FL)
Stockyards 8 (Omaha, NE)
Cinemark Movies 10 (Fayetteville, GA)
GTC Town Center Value 10 (Lawrenceville, GA)
Venture Cinema (Duluth, GA)

UPDATE: B-D Reader Matt Smith sent in these flyers for you guys to post around your city:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/toxicmirror/mmt2color.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/toxicmirror/mmt2bw.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/toxicmirror/mmt4color.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/toxicmirror/mmt4bw.jpg

I have made the two closest theaters to my hometown of Cincinnati in bold font for your convience. Please, get the word out and spare a dollar to go see this film as soon as possible. This could be a serious make or break moment for R-rated horror films in general. I'll see you at the Turfway theater on Sunday!

R.I.P.

2008-07-27T03:06:00.006-04:00

Estelle Getty

1923 - 2008

Okay, I have a confession to make. I like the Golden Girls. I've always liked the show and, as a strait-ish man, this has always been a deep dark secret of mine. So, think of me what you will, but I was very saddened today when I heard that on the twenty second of this month, actress Estelle Getty passed away after a long battle with dementia. I will always have fond memories of the character of Sophia, who, since I was little, has always reminded me of the funny, cranky, and far too short lived aunt and grandmother I grew up around and loved very much. Anyway, even if you hate Golden Girls, she was the first major cast member of Mannequin to pass away! Oh, and don't forget Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. Classic.

Capsule Reviews: The All Ironfury Edition

2008-07-26T01:23:00.007-04:00

The Wire, The First Season

Yet another home run from HBO. I thought my love for police procedural dramas was at an all time low, until I took a chance on this. The entire season is a slow boil toward an explosion. Its set in Baltimore, MD which is nice. Its got that big city feeling, but one thats been on the way down from its heights for awhile. It also give equal screen to criminal and cop alike, showing them both as people not just cardboard cut-outs. The show has me hooked just like Bubbles the junky is hooked on the junk!

Manhunter
Directed by Michael Mann
Starring William Petersen, Brian Cox, Tom Noonan

I recently watched this film for the first time, and was not let down. I see why my editor in chief prefers this to the more widely known "Red Dragon" film. This one has more build up, particularly the extended cut I watched, something I prefer from my thrillers. Add Michael Mann's brilliant flair for visuals and pacing, and that 1980's flavor (gotta love to hate the fashions of the 80's); and you've got a fairly timeless thriller. Now if they would just release The Keep on DVD the Barron would be most please!

Editor's Note: Stay tuned during the next week for my massive magnum opus of a post on the awesomeness of Manhunter.

Charlie Wilson's War
Directed by Mike Nichols
Starring: Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Philip Seymour Hoffman

From writer Aaron Sorkin comes this fun abridged film adaptation of a much larger book. I found the acting to be well done, particularly by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Also Julia Roberts is only on screen like 4 short times in the whole film, so she was bareable for me. Its a film that I think most of America watched and thought "yes, see this film is ok with us imposing our way of life on other countries through covert wars". And then in the end, it slaps them in the face. Ending with the realization that this is ultimately how we as a Nation shot ourselves and the world in the foot by not spending some money on Afghanistan after the war was won. Oh and along the way snappy dialogue happens, cause thats how Sorkin rolls baby!

Chuck Wilson's Underrated Horror Classics: The Car (1977)

2008-07-23T19:24:00.004-04:00

"There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no way to stop... THE CAR"

Well my good friend Annubis has been trying unsuccessfully for a while now to get me to write a little something for this site, and now I’ve finally caved. I plan on (hopefully) writing a regular post dedicated to classic films of the horror genre. These films, in my opinion, tend to be overlooked, underrated, under appreciated or just plain forgotten. I even plan on re-examining a few films that I once hated but now enjoy, and vice versa. So without further adieu, I bring you this week’s classic film, The Car, from the glorious year of 1977.

The film begins with a young couple bicycling down a highway in southern California, when suddenly a car (complete with red-tinted car POV!) appears out of nowhere and begins tailing them, eventually running over both. We are then introduced to Wade Parent (James Brolin), the sheriff of a nearby small town, whose biggest problem, currently, is dealing with the effects of new girlfriend Lauren (Kathleen Lloyd) on his two daughters, Lynn and Debbie (played by real sisters, and child stars, Kim and Kyle Richards). Amos Clements (R.G. Armstrong) awakes for his daily slap-around session of his wife Margie, when he is notices a young hitchhiker waiting outsides his house playing a french horn (“If you don’t get out of here, you’ll be farting music for a year!”). Suddenly, the same car appears and runs the hitchhiker over -backing over him several times. The local police are surprised then further perplexed (“What in the hell is going on?” “Ten years of giving out parking tickets, and all this in one day”) by the discovery of the earlier victims. Luke (Ronny Cox), a recovering alcoholic, begins succumbing to his old demons when it is discovered that one of the bikers was his neighbor, Pete, whom Luke thought of like a son.

Bertha, Amos’s wife, visits the police after another beating, but refuses to press charges. Angry, Everett (John Marley), an old boyfriend of Bertha’s, decides to got to the local bar for a drink, when suddenly the car appears, nearly running over Amos before wiping out Everett. Amos, and then a local Native American woman, confirm that it was the same car from earlier. The woman also drops a few other tidbits including: “Bad things are coming with the wind” and “There was no driver in the car.” The police set up roadblocks and postpone the school’s parade rehearsal, but when the rehearsal finally begins at the local fair grounds, the car appears and reeks havoc in the film’s first big action set piece. A massive wind and dust storm occurs right before the car arrives. It runs over an officer and a few others, sending the children scrambling to a nearby cemetery, which the car refuses to enter. Lauren yells and taunts at the car (“You’re a chicken-shit, scum of the earth, son-of-a-bitch!”), causing it to throw a little temper tantrum, running it off before the cops arrive.

The car reaches a roadblock, but after bullets bounce off it, the car takes off. A chase ensues, but the car easily outruns, and then wipes out three different police cars before confronting Wade on his motorcycle. Wade fires a few shots before approaching the car, briefly getting a look inside before the car door opens and knocks him over an out. He awakes in the hospital and orders Chas to take Lauren home. They make it there, but the car soon appears, and well… things don’t turn out too pretty. The stage is now set for the final showdown in which Wade and the remaining police join forces with Amos for the final car vs. man smack down-the rumble in the desert, if you will…

The first thing that really stands out about the film is the cast, featuring A-list actors, such as Marley, Brolin and Cox, the Richards girls, Armstrong, who has been in everything, and several Native American actors-all giving realistic and believable performances, despite some hokey dialogue. (Other notable horror and genre films staring these actors include: Brolin in The Amityville Horror, Lloyd in Its Live Again, Marley in Deathdream, Cox in Deliverance, Kyle in Eaten Alive, Halloween and Watcher in the Woods, Kim in Assault on Precinct 13, and re-teaming with Armstrong in Devil Dog, R.G. in Race with the Devil, Evilspeak, Predator, etc.) The characterization is above standard for a film of this sort, making you actually care about the people not just about the action and horror scenes. The film is littered with social issues including domestic abuse, alcoholism, racism, the impact of divorce on families with children, a sheriff trying to live up to the memory of his father (who was also a sheriff) etc. Director Eilliot Silverstein, mostly known as a TV director throughout the sixties (and for the western A Man Called Horse), adds plenty of style and suspense; not to mention plenty of scares and surprises. Long, slow shots of the car approaching people who are unaware contrasting with quick, sudden scenes where the car attacks without warning. After a key death scene, the camera lingers longer than usual on the carnage, letting the unsuspected death hit home. The overall pacing is slow, but the action, when it comes, is quick and unrelenting-the middle chase and finale feature quite a few amazing stunts. The car itself is not only menacing, but also has quite a personality of its own, often toying with its victims, honking its horn when victorious and throwing tantrums when it is pissed off. We never even get a complete shot of the entire car until 46 minutes in. Music is top notch also, featuring the "Dies Irae" theme that would later be used in the opening theme for The Shining.

At the time of its release, the film was labeled Jaws on land, but I think it is more complicated than that. The film combines several genres including action, road movies, killer vehicle movies, satanic horror, and the western-so if you’re going to compare it to a Spielberg movie, I’d go with Duel. The images over the closing credits, in which we see the wheels of a car driving through a city, even set it up for a possible sequel-no doubt Hollywood is currently working on a remake/reimagining. There are two DVDs out there including the OOP Anchor Bay DVD and a newly remastered DVD from Universal. Both are bare bones though and neither feature the additional footage that was shot to pad out the TV version of the film.

Fans of horror, action and cult movies from the 70’s should definitely check out this little gem.

Chuckwilson

Capsule Reviews: 7/18/07

2008-07-17T19:29:00.015-04:00

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Directed by Guillermo Del Toro
Starring: Ron Perlman, Doug Jones, Selma Blair, Luke Goss

I had intended to do a longer review of this film, but I just didn't have the time. This sequel is superior to the original in almost all ways. The fantasy elements are as fascinating and magical as the ones in Pan's Labyrinth. As a bonus we reap the benefits of Doug Jones being able to provide his own voice, instead of being dubbed like in the first film. There are some flaws here however. Many of the sequences involving the publics fear of Hellboy, and the fate of the Princess are painfully predictable and sadly not as original as they should be. Still, this is the most fun I've had at the movie's all year, even if it's not the best film. The musical number is worth the admission price alone.

Noah Soudrette

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
Directed by Eric Radomski, Bruce W. Timm
Starring: Kevin Conroy, Dana Delany, Stacy Keach, Abe Vigoda, Dick Miller, Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Up until the release of Batman Begins Phantasm held a very special place in the Batman film pantheon among fans. Many of us felt that Phantasm was the best "Batman" film that had been made up until that point. It wasn't necessarily the best film (Burton's visual flair is hard to top) but it was easily the best representation the Batman character out there. Some still argue that it is the best, and I feel that it falls just a hair behind Batman Begins. The thing that holds Phantasm back is the predictability of the Phantasm's identity and the short running time. Given a touch more mystery and a another 45 minutes of screen time, I have no doubt that Batman: Mask of the Phantasm would undoubtedly still be the best Batman film around.

Noah Soudrette

Capsule Reviews: July 11th, 2008

2008-07-12T05:07:00.005-04:00

Another slow week in movie watching. I considered writing a review of Hellboy 2 as a capsule review, but I'd rather do a full one instead. So please look forward to that.

Machine Girl (2008)
Directed by Noboru Iguchi
Starring: Asami, Honoka

There has been much hype in cult circles about this new mondo Japanese actioner. I'm happy to report that most of the hype is utterly justified. There's something for everybody here: decapitations, drill bra, ninjas, chainsaws, machine guns, yakuza, etc. I'm also glad to report that all of the females in the film are very strong types and the director seems to go so far as to turn certain conventions on their heads. What could easily been a typical rape scene is cut short by the female lead getting pissed and kicking the rapists asses. This is on the level of a Peter Jackson flick like Bad Taste or Dead Alive. Highly recommended.

Noah Soudrette

Batman: Gotham Knight (2008)
Directed by Yasuhiro Aoki, Futoshi Higashide, Toshiyuki Kubooka, Hiroshi Morioka, Shoujirou Nishimi
Starring: Kevin Conroy, David McCallum

For those unawares, Batman: Gotham Knight is an anthology film animated by some of Japan's "top" animators and written by numerous comic book writers such as Greg Rucka and Brian Azzarello. As you would expect from such a project, the final product is somewhat uneven in presentation. The animation on the whole is very high quality and your like or dislike of it will simply be personal preference. All the story threads do tie together loosely and the end product is very satisfying. Kevin Conroy returns from the Batman Animated and Justice League series to voice Batman here and his addition is very welcome, as well as that of David McCallum's as Alfred. The best story in the lot is the final one directed by Jong-Sik Nam and Madhouse studios, clearly attempting to pass themselves off as Yoshiaki Kawajiri. All in all, a great addition to the Batman universe.

Noah Soudrette

Capsule Reviews: The 4th of July Edition!

2008-07-05T03:32:00.007-04:00

I'm kind of low on reviews this week. I got no submissions so I had to go it alone. That combined with working all week, I'm just glad to get these three out to you. I also think these three would make great entertainment for the whole family this weekend.

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs, is the second straight to video film to be released since the TV shows cancellation back in 2003. The basic plot here is that the living embodiment of heaven comes through a dimensional gateway and tries to have sex with the entire universe. I know. It’s fucking weird. For those unfamiliar with the show, this is not the best jumping on point, but I can’t help that feeling most would like this entry. It’s a vast improvement over the previous film which, while entertaining for fans, still fell a little flat. If you’re looking for something bizarre and funny, look no further.

By Noah Soudrette

Tribute is a “rockumentary” directed by Kris Curry and Rich Fox and follows the lives and times of four different tribute bands. The bands that are shown here pay homage to KISS, Judas Priest, Queen, The Monkees, and the Beatles. The stories here a pretty much what you’d expect. They are all entertaining, while at the same time being sad, hilarious, pathetic, and heartbreaking. Highlights include two fan boys of the Queen and Priest groups, a black Paul Stanley impersonator, and a trip to the office supply closet Tim ‘Ripper’ Owens used to work in. On one hand, you have to like these guys for doing what they love. On the other hand, you kind of wish they’d just get a grip. Great stuff.

By Noah Soudrette

The Grand, written and directed by Zak Penn, is somewhat of a sister film to Penn’s earlier, Herzog centric mockumentary, Incident at Loch Ness. While this film follows the tenants of a mockumentary very loosely, and also employs a few high profile stars I don’t normally like (i.e. Woody Harrelson, Ray Romano), the film is still a highly entertaining comedy. There are a number of stand out performances here. Werner Herzog makes a great appearance as an insane German gambler. The other great character is portrayed by Chris Parnell, who is constantly spouting references to David Lynch’s Dune. If you’re looking for something different and a good laugh, you’ll like this.

By Noah Soudrette

New Friday Feature: Capsule Reviews!

2008-06-28T04:26:00.012-04:00

Finally, my computer is back online and (a week late) I can introduce the new weekly feature, capsule reviews! I'm doing this in the hopes of making it more fun to visit this place regularly, since it can often take me a while to write a full review. If any of you would like to contribute capsule reviews, just let me know!

The Cottage (2008)
Directed by Paul Andrew Williams
Starring: Andy Serkis, Doug Bradley, Jennifer Ellison

The Cottage is a fun and lighthearted British horror comedy in the vein of Severance. The film follows two brothers, one of whom is played by Andy Serkis, whose kidnapping plot goes all wrong when a deformed hillbilly shows up and the blood starts to fly. The comedy is a bit broad so the film does feel like it’s trying a bit too hard at times, and the slasher doesn’t show up till after the halfway mark. Still, there’s plenty of laughs and gore to be found here, as well as a few inventive plays on famous slasher movie caveats. Top that off with a cameo by Doug Bradley, and you have a solid horror comedy that should supply you with an hour and a half of good times. It’s definitely worth a watch.

Submitted by Noah Soudrette

Blood: The Last Vampire (2000)
Directed by Hiroyuki Kitakubo
Starring: Youki Kudoh, Saemi Nakamura, Joe Romersa

Blood: The Last Vampire is apparently exceptional for being the first Production I.G. film to use all CGI animation. This is a good thing, because it certainly isn’t exceptional in any other department. While there are a few thrilling action moments, the plot is a generic vampire on vampire violence tale. Saya, our heroic vampire, dressed in a Japanese school girl outfit, boringly kills a few vampire-like monsters on a military base for forty minutes. By reading that last sentence, you’ve pretty much seen the movie. Oh and there’s a shitty attempt to tack on some kind of social commentary at the end. It’s dreck, but visually arresting dreck.

Submitted by Noah Soudrette

Dylan Moran: Monster (2004)
Directed by Michael Matheson
Starring Dylan Moran

Dylan Moran: Monster, is a stand up special, filmed in Dublin, featuring the ultra hilarious verbal stylings of Dylan Moran of Black Books fame. If you’ve seen Black Books I can guarantee you will enjoy this performance. Dylan’s real life personality isn’t that far from Bernard Black, and his witticism and unique word combinations are truly unique. He spends most of his time pointing out the absurdities of trying to be something your not in life. This is basically what other comics do, but Dylan is simply funnier. This is a real classic comedy performance, in my book.

Submitted by Noah Soudrette

Uncle Buck (1989)
Directed by John Hughes
Starring: John Candy, Macaulay Culkin

I just watched Uncle Buck for like I don't know, probably the 20th time in my life, and let me tell you, this movie is just as good today as it was back in 1989. So now I'm thinking about how much I enjoy this movie, and how much I've enjoyed John Hughes' writing, producing, and directing over my life. As a Writer/Director/Producer he has put out 4 movies that are very important to me and my generation’s popular culture: The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and finally the delightful Uncle Buck. To this day I want a giant breakfast birthday, but despite 19 years of birthdays since this movie came out, still no giant stack of pancakes for me.

Submitted by Jesse Stevens

Fantastic Four (2005)
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
Directed by Tim Story
Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans

These two FF films are good stuff. I wouldn't go so far as to put them into my comic book movie top three, but they are a good time all around as far as I am concerned. Solid stories, overall interesting (or as interesting as the FF can be) characters, and just a good F/X time. Both these screen plays are written by the excellent Mark Frost, (co-creator of Twin Peaks as well as writer of several excellent books) so they don't let you down plot-wise. If you are looking for some films to warm you up for this summers comic book smack down, or maybe just some fun popcorn flicks, then look no further than the FF's at your local video establishment. Ironfury Commands It!

Submitted by Jesse Stevens

Techincal Difficulties

2008-06-21T03:31:00.006-04:00

Well, I had been planning to introduce a new weekly feature here on the blog and it was due to roll out yesterday. However, my main computer, with the appropriate writings on it, is currently in the shop. Hopefully, I'll get it back soon and resume regular posting. Damn you Atkins!

Stan Winston, R.I.P.

2008-06-16T14:39:00.003-04:00

Stan Winston

1946 - 2008

A Sad Day

2008-06-14T03:27:00.010-04:00

So, I just finished watching George Romero's Diary of the Dead. I'd heard a lot about this film when it first came out. I remember that the first few reviews that hit the web were stunningly positive. I was psyched. Then, a flood of negative reviews followed and I became a little more guarded concerning what to expect from this film. I had intended to simply rent the picture, not wanting to take a chance on buying it. Well, today I figured, it's a Romero movie, even if it's not very good it should still be better than most of what's out there. Well, as you can probably guess from the title of this post, I was disappointed. I never thought I'd say this, but here it goes. George Romero's new movie is a melodramatic, poorly acted, overly talkative, boring turd pile. There I said it. I want to cry. I have always loved Romero's films, even the not so great entries in his body of work, like Monkey Shines or Bruiser. This however, is indefensibly bad. I almost can't believe it. I'd really rather not write about this anymore as it is incredibly depressing, but I think it's best to focus on my three biggest problems with the film, and not get bogged down in all the little things I hated.

First, I'll start with the acting. It sucks. Bad. If we compare this "found footage" type film to others, we should take a look at the acting in Cloverfield. Even though all the characters in Cloverfield are these well to do rich white people, we still get a good grasp of their characters and there's some likability there because the actors have personality. The actors in this film have no personality whatsoever. Secondly, and one could argue this goes hand in hand with bad acting, is a shitty script. The dialog is putrid, the film seems to have no point whatsoever, and all the characters just seem to be wandering through their parts as their characters wander through a plotless world. One thing many have been harping on is the shitty narration, which only acts to overstate the patently obvious and interrupt any kind of momentum the film has built up. This leads to my biggest problem with the film. This film is so fucking boring! I could forgive it if it still had some thrilling set pieces or interesting moments of some kind. Instead, I found myself sitting there wondering when it was going to end, and why there were so fucking few zombies in this damn zombie film!

As I was thinking about all this while watching the film, it hit me. Maybe Romero is doing this on purpose. Maybe he wants these kids to act badly. Perhaps the whole thing is overly talking and over stated and melodramatic on purpose. There are indeed some funny and self referential moments in the film. There's a very funny sequence with a deaf and dumb Amish farmer, and you also hear someone say something about adding a underlying social commentary to their horror film. So clearly, Romero's having some fun at his own expense here. Does that mean, that this whole thing is simply Romero's deconstruction of the modern horror film, and that what we've been watching all along is a spoof/satire? Well, if that's the case, the film does fair a little better, but I'm hard pressed to believe it. And in either case, the movie just isn't enjoyable, even assuming all its problems are intentional. Sadly, no matter how I try and convince myself to like this film, I can't. And, I can sit here all day and try and force myself to believe that it's a good movie, but it isn't. So, here's hoping this is just a one off mistake, and Romero can pull it out of the bag on his next one. Otherwise, we're witnessing the steady decline of a once great filmmaker. God I hope I'm wrong. Do yourselves a favor. Skip this movie and find a copy of [REC]. You'll thank me for it.

P.S. - One good thing about the DVD purchase is that it features a zombie short film by Teller, of Penn & Teller fame, which is absolutely brilliant. I've posted it below the trailer.

Trailer

& Teller

Summer Movie Smackdown! Battle #1: Iron Man vs. The Incredible Hulk

2008-06-13T14:00:00.006-04:00

Well, the first movie face off on my summer movie bracket has a winner. I saw The Incredible Hulk last night, and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. When I first saw the previews for this (the one without the Tim Roth smack down), I wasn't very enthused. But, as we got glimpses of the action sequences, I became a bit more interested. My other concern though was that there would be far too much brooking and oh-woe-is-meing by Bruce Banner. Thankfully, it's not that bad. There's a nice amount of action here, even if one does get frustrated with the military's futile attempts to capture Banner. The final fight is what you'd expect and was pretty decent, but the biggest surprise is the non-Hulk moments. Ed Norton does a great job here and the chemistry he was with Liv Tyler is palpable. I can see why Ed got a little upset at them cutting out some of the character development, but the film is nicely paced in its current incarnation and I look forward to seeing those scenes on the DVD.

Now, how does the new and improved Hulk fare against Iron Man? Well, as Baron Ironfury pointed out the other day, The Incredible Hulk, doesn't have to worry itself about telling an origin story, and that definitely helps. However, as good as Ed Norton is, he simply can't compare to the fun and likability of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. However, (SPOILER, highlight blank to view) Downey does make an appearance as Tony Stark towards the end of Incredible Hulk, which is very fun. Plus, unexpectedly, the Leader shows up!! Still, one cannot deny the greatness of Iron Man, and it wins out in this particular head to head.

Here is the updated bracket:

Review: [REC]

2008-06-10T02:40:00.003-04:00

I have just seen, what might possibly have been, the scariest movie going experience of my life. I know that sounds bombastic, but as I sit here and type this my pulse is still fucking racing. I'm also having a hard time coming up with what to say here. So, maybe I'll start off with a little info session. Directed by Paco Plaza (Romasanta) and Jaume Balaguero (Darkness, Nameless) is a found footage film about a TV crew who are following a fire department as part of a show detailing people who work while the rest of us sleep. When they get a call about a woman trapped in her apartment and head into said apartment building, things begin to get weird. The woman in question is deranged and attacks a police officer. When they try to move the officer outside for medical attention, they find the building sealed due to a supposed health concern. You can see where this is going, and it may not sound like anything special, but trust me, it is.

This film mixes the maze-like claustrophobic feel of Demons 2, with the best parts of 28 Weeks Later, and a dash of character and true originality, to produce a horror film that made me shake, yell, cover my eyes, which I've almost never fucking done, and make me nearly hyperventilate. I was only able to watch this film on a burned DVD alone in my room, and not with an audience in a theater. I could only image the screaming that would accompany a public viewing of this film. This could easily make it onto my top ten horror films of all time list.

Now, while I clearly loved this film, I want to talk about why you've possibly never heard of it, and why you might not see it for years. Screen Gems has snatched up the rights to the film as well as the rights to remake it in English, make it seriously not scary, and call it Quarantine. Also, they were kind enough to give away the final shot of the original, in the trailer for their shitty looking remake. Because of this, they have effectively buried the original, in the hopes that no one will ever find out how shit their remake is going to be. Fuck you Screen Gems. I hope your fucking remake bombs. I'm pretty sure it'll get panned, but I hope the only people who go see it, are homeless people who've sneaked into the theater so they could take a shit in the corner. If you think my reaction is harsh. Just watch the respective trailers for each film posted below, and see if you disagree with me.

Trailer (Original)

Trailer (Remake)

Summer Movie Smackdown!

2008-06-05T23:57:00.003-04:00

For some reason, while the films this summer may not have the most quality, there are a hell of a lot of them. For once, I actually feel like seeing most of them as well. So, I've decided to have a little fun with it and do up a summer movie elimination bracket ala the NCAA. Feel free to make your own brackets and submit them, or hold onto mine and use it yourself. While I did have a hard time finding 16 movies I wanted to see this summer, you may want to drop it down to 8. Anyway, here it is. I'll update as certain battles get a winner.

Review: What Would Jesus Buy?

2008-05-29T01:12:00.008-04:00

I just had the fortune of watching What Would Jesus Buy? for the first time and even though it focuses on Christmas (it is currently May), and it deals with protesters (which can be a very eye rolling thing), this is definitely a movie I’m tempted to run out and buy, ironically. The film follows Reverend Billy and his Stop Shopping Choir across the country as they perform a protest/sermon/musical theater/play anywhere that consumerism rears its ugly head. Now, the first question you might ask yourself is, “Are these people really serious or is this whole thing just disingenuous?” Well, while the protest nature of these performances and appearances do have a staged quality, mainly because they’re staged, it is both Billy’s message, and his character that bring a real spontaneous passionate quality to the proceedings. These people are simply trying to get a point across, and thankfully, they’re going about it in an entertaining way.

Billy’s message obviously raises a lot of questions and issues. While these people are making money off of this whole thing in the first place, it becomes very clear that between arrests, buses, hotel rooms, food, etc. that they’re not profiting from their endeavor in a monetary way. Also, one has to wonder, how can I simply stop shopping? But, what Billy’s “church” does is preach responsible shopping. They emphasize buying American products, putting your money back into the community, saving, recycling, giving, being a considerate and responsible person and avoiding the addictive qualities of tying to buy satisfaction. Also, while the group’s religious nature may be highly dubious, there is no doubt that their message applies perfectly to those of faith. Jesus, or Mohamed, or Buddha, or whoever doesn’t want you to sell yourself into the slavery of debt in an attempt to make yourself, or your kids happy. These people out the emphasis on meaning, not monetary value. I’m sure we’ve all seen our own family members pile giant plastic Christmas gift after giant plastic Christmas gift onto their children, only for the child to be more interested in the empty box the thing came in as opposed to the one hundred dollar Barbie castle.

A whole slew of people and perspectives are offered up here between Billy’s shenanigans. We see the poor and the rich, and hear about their Christmases. You’ll hear children agreeing that they have way too many toys. You’ll see footage of shoppers beating each other into submission to reach that last X-Box 360. Many faith leaders also chime in on the significance and righteousness of Billy’s message. There are equal amounts of humor, sadness, and truth to be found here, and I find it hard to believe that anyone won’t get swept up in the spirit of this film. This is only aided by the focus on the members of Billy’s group, their trials and tribulations, the good times and the bus accidents. It must be seen to be believed.

So, I clearly liked the film, there’s no question about that after reading my gushing endorsement. I would however, like to get personal for a moment. I have worked in retail all of my life. I know first hand how much people let objects rule their lives. I have been insulted, threatened, picked on, and praised all because of little stacks of paper glued together, with writing on them, which I happen to sell. Our value as employees is based on our ability to sell. We are judged on our ability to convince people that they need something that they don’t. And, while it’s not a very happy or fulfilling job, I don’t take it for granted and I don’t forget that I’m lucky to have it. I work for a company that can only be found in America. The vast majority of the books we sell are printed right here in America as well. We do not outsource. All our employees are Americans (yes, even our phone reps, I believe). That is a rare thing indeed these days. Yet, I can’t even earn enough money, having worked forty hours a week for almost nine years, to have a place of my own. I have over ten grand in credit card debt, and own practically nothing. Would I get paid more if all our books were printed in China and all the jobs we could possibly outsource, were outsourced? Maybe, maybe not. I’m just glad that’s not the case. I like to think Billy would get behind shopping at my place of business.

So, I think every American owes it to his or her self to see this movie. Do you have to take it seriously? Not at all. It works as a great piece of entertainment on its own. Don’t let all my seriousness dissuade you from giving this a viewing. That’s just how I get when I write film reviews at five in the morning. Can I get a changelujah!?

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

Trailer

Quotes of Note: Repo Man (1984)

2008-05-27T23:58:00.026-04:00

Bud: "Credit is a sacred trust, it's what our free society is founded on. Do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? I said, do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia?"
Otto: "They don't pay bills in Russia, it's all free."
Bud: "All free? Free my ass. What are you, a fuckin' commie? Huh?"
Otto: "No, I ain't no commie."
Bud: "Well, you better not be. I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either."

Review: The Orphanage

2008-05-27T00:15:00.015-04:00

So I watched Orphanage from director Juan Antonio Buyona and written by Sergio G. Sanchez. I first saw adds for this movie on television and it was touted as "From Guillermo del Toro", so I thought well then it must be good cause he rocks. Then of course I found out he was only a producer on it. Still, I was intrigued cause to my knowledge Guillermo doesn't attach his name (no matter how peripherally) to stuff he thinks sucks. But I couldn't see the film in the theaters, and when it came out well...you would not believe the waiting list at the local library for this thing. But finally I watched it the other day, and I was very pleasantly surprised.

This movie reminded me in turns of Lady in White and Poltergeist and yes a little bit of Pan's Labyrinth. Of course going into it I was expecting something more scary than eerie and touching. I thought this was going to be more disturbing like a trip into the world of Silent Hill or something.

The acting is solid, though I don't think I can fully judge that since it's a movie in Spanish, which I don't speak beyond pleasantries (Hello, Goodbye, Thank you,..etc). I think the most standout performance for me was by Montserrat Carulla as Benigna. The second time you see her in the film she is skulking in a tool shed of sorts with a shovel, so it was mildly creepy for a very brief scene. I feel she adds a layer to the story while having very little dialog, and to me thats just good acting.

I think the strongest two points of the movie for me though were, Setting and Story. Briefly put, the story is that of a couple who move into an old orphanage that the wife use to live in as a child. Things seem eerie enough at first, but just as they are settling into the new home their son vanishes and no one can find him. The rest of the movie takes place over 6 more months of time. I don't want to say much more other than paranormal investigators are brought in, and the dark history of the orphanage (after the one parent had left as a child) comes to light. While I can't say that many of the events in the story are unique, as I've seen them in other movies and books, I will say the way they are presented felt highly original to me. In the end this was a ghost story dosed largely with maternal love and devotion, that has a darkly happy ending.

My favorite scene in the movie is that involving a trio of paranormal investigators (thats really too simple a word for what they do or believe, but its the best I've got without writing a dissertation to describe them) are brought in to sniff out Simon (the lost child). Its quite possibly the creepiest scene, and borders on frightening. This was very much like the best stuff I've seen from the television show "Ghost Hunters".

Now I've like to close with a little bit about the setting, my other strong point for the movie. The seaside house that is the orphanage is very interesting. Often times plot elements are revealed as new aspects/areas of the house are revealed to us the viewer. The house is big without being sprawling, thus allowing a cozy feeling place with just the right number of nooks and crannies for secrets to lay hidden. Also the seaside is used a couple of times very nicely, particularly a very creepy cave (which led to my one point of saying the mother was being stupid. Who lets there child go exploring a strange seaside cave alone.).

All in all this was a strong and unique movie. It surprised me by its depths of story and setting. This is a ghost story in the more classic tradition. The ghosts are restless and sad, but not necessarily evil. There is shock and horror in it, but not simply for shock and horrors sake (more as a byproduct of story elements and drama). I like this movie. Its different than what I expected it to be, and it has Spanish ghost hunters in it. I expect more and get far less from most movies, so I give it my stamp of approval. If you liked Pan's Laybrinth or The Others you will find this movie to your liking.

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Trailer

Cinematic Rich's David Lynch Double Feature

2008-05-24T15:29:00.015-04:00

Editor's Note: Once in a blue moon, I like to get someone to write or comment about film, who usually doesn't have much to say. Why? Well, in reality, they usually have a lot of interesting things to say, they're simply a soft spoken person, or perhaps no one ever really asks them their detailed opinion in the first place. I mention this because I am friends with such a man, and occasionally I poke and prod and cajole him into putting his thoughts down on digital paper. I feel he has a sharp and true insight when it comes to film and I hope we'll have more comments from him that we can post in the future. Enjoy. - Annubis

Inland Empire

My first thought is that I am glad that this was not my first introduction to a David Lynch movie. Seeing a few before this one definitely prepped me for what was to come in this one as much as it could. I must say that in all of Lynch's movies I came away thinking about them for sometime after. They make you think about them in a haunting way. I want to try and make sense of it in a nice linear way. I am not sure Lynch has a clearly defined explanation for his movies generally. He has thoughts, images, feelings he projects and creates characters that are placed within this framework. Visually, he is like an abstract artist and wants the viewer the to put their own interpretation on his work. A few words that might describe this movie are... creepy, haunting, riveting, disturbing, I felt like I was being pulled into the character very close, to the point of uncomfortable, like being a fly on the wall and not able to look away. I wanted the dark corners and shadowy areas to be illuminated. I give as much credit to Laura Dern as I do to Lynch as the director, she is awesome. Her ability to play multiple characters in this one was noteworthy. Being a wife, actor, whore and shifting back and forth giving the viewer the challenge to figure out at times which one you are seeing. The lines were blurred many times. The scenes and images gave me the feeling that I was inside someones head seeing their thoughts, memories and nightmares. I felt like I went down the rabbit hole and entered the world of David Lynch... The Twilight Zone.

Lost Highway

Watched Lost Highway last night and as always was anxious to see what was in store for me. Well, David Lynch did what he does best and that is to allow you to absorb the content of his movie and apply your personal meaning upon it. Once again if you looking for linear plot lines and logical conclusions to a movie your not a Lynch fan because he gives you none of that. A viewers open mind and personal experiences I believe fills the gaps which can be huge to weave together very fragmented ideas into some general coherence. Love the characters he creates and who he picks to play them, this movie was no exception. They are what keeps your eyes glued to the screen, along with Lynch's unique shooting style and the sound tracks that give such mood and emotion to his work. I find myself continuing to watch thinking that surely things will come together and all make sense, then it ends and I realize that this is David Lynch and that is what you get. It never fails that I find myself thinking about his movies for sometime after and if nothing else, is satisfying. His choice to take a different path from most film makers is refreshing. Grade: B.

"Cinematic" Rich Corney

Baron Ironfury's Comic Movie Holy Trinity

2008-05-22T23:43:00.015-04:00

Editor's Note: This was actually written and submitted before the release of "Iron Man" and the start of the summer movie madness. I'm lazy, what can i say? Hope you like the custom image I made Baron, as a token of apology. - Annubis

Ok so this is my "favorite 3 comic book superhero movies" post.

So while "officially" its not summer yet, in my geeky heart it has already begun. Its the summer of superhero movies, and I'm too happy for words. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and The Dark Knight are making me feel almost as excited as when I was a child and Summer vacation was on its way. Also you've got Hellboy II: The Golden Army and Wanted. I wish every summer could feel this packed full of geeky goodness. So all of this has led me to think long and hard about what I feel are my top three favorite comic book superhero movies, as well as a few runners up. So without further delay, here is my big fat geeky list:

The Hulk: Directed by Ang Lee and Starring Eric Bana as the Hulk. I place this one first because it has long be unappreciated. I personally felt it was a strong and well made movie, and one of the more unique comic book superhero movies I've ever seen. The use of comic book style panels as wipes to new scenes, was particularly cool. I thought the acting was excellent on all points, though I'd have to say the breakout performance was Nick Nolte as papa Banner. No one does insane and intense quite like Nolte. In the end I just found it to be a perfect balance of emotion and brawn, combined with tight narrative and cool Hulk effects.

Batman Begins: This is my second pick for top three. Its the best live action Batman movie to date. Makes a brilliantly moody and dark Batman origin come to life, complete with my all time favorite Batman villain Ra's Ah Ghul. I had long ago started to think Batman would never be able to be well represented on the silver screen. Of course its spot as best Batman movie is about to be usurped by The Dark Knight, but it will always be the first.

X2: Don't get me wrong, X-Men one was also good, but nothing will match this one. Its the first with Wolverine really being wolverine. He stabs, he slices, he slaughters in 6 different sizes. Then add to that the most ingenious prison escape/use of magnetism I think I'll ever see. Bryan Singer really out does himself with this one, and I can't help but wish the movie studio could have had the foresight and patience to let the man make X-Men 3 when he was free to do it. Oh well, it just makes X2 shine all the brighter next to that X3 turd.

Now as for my runners up. First and foremost its got to be Hellboy. Fantastic movie and would make the top 3 except my brain works oddly and I just can't place Hellboy in the same category as more classic 4-color style heroes as the others. Otherwise if its just comic books, then this may very well be the best comic book movie I've seen. Next up is Unbreakable by M. Night Shyamalan, its real and gritty and incorporates mythic archetypes, unfortunately its not based on and actual comic book superhero. Finally there is Spider-Man 2. This was in line for spot number three in my favorites, but I just liked X2 more. Its actually an excellent movie, but I really just like the X-Men better than Spider-man period.

Well thats it for my list. I still haven't seen Iron Man though I hear from my sources that its stellar. I hope you all enjoy this summer filled with comic book movies as much as I plan to. Oh yes, nothing better to spend a stimulus check on than movies and popcorn!

Baron Ironfury

Review: Indiana Jones and the Sequel of Dubious Quality

2008-05-22T02:55:00.019-04:00

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable reviewing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I just saw it a few hours ago and it's one of those films that, much like Lucas' Star Wars prequels, needs a little time to gestate before rendering a final opinion. If your not sure what I'm talking about, then you probably don't remember the joy you experienced while watching The Phantom Menace, and then the feeling of it slowly fading as you left the theater and it dawned on you what a crap fest it really was. I have a bad feeling that the same will happen here. So, I'm just going to talk about the things I liked and disliked, off the top of my head.

The things that felt the most right about this film were the chases. The chases, for the most part, stand up to the excellent chases in previous Indy films. There is also an excellent sequence involving killer ants. You never seen enough killer ants in film these days. The most important thing that clicked however, was Harrison Ford. He still has that energy and sparkle in his eye that helped make the character of Indiana Jones great. Now, if he only had some better dialog to deliver. Not that the lines were bad here, they just weren't very memorable. There is a lovely nod to the late Denholm Elliott's wonderful Marcus Brody character as well as a pseudo-cameo from Henry Jones I. Brody is replaced by a similar character played by Jim Broadbent, who does a good job, but could never live up to Elliott's magic.

I should probably address Shia LaBeouf. I for one, don't hate Mr. LaBeouf and feel he does a good job here. He isn't annoying, and doesn't overstep his boundaries. Anakin Skywalker he is not, thank god. The other thing that must be addressed here, is more of a preparatory thing. This could be considered a spoiler, even though you learn about it in the first scene of the film, so proceed with caution. This entire film's plot revolves around aliens. Yes, the rumors are true, aliens. If this sounds like a stupid idea, it is... it really is. The film also feels the need to remind you every five seconds, that the skull is alien. Did I mention there are aliens? There are aliens. Isn't that annoying when I tell you over and over again? You bet. Too bad the filmmakers didn't realize that. So, aliens, a BIG check in the negative category for this film. The few other downsides pale in comparison: Cate Blanchett is laughable, Marian Ravenwood is a hollow shell of the character she once was, and somehow Indy survives an atomic bomb.

So, is it a good film? Probably not. If you turn your brain off and go with the flow, it can be a lot of fun, but whether or not it will stand up to any real analysis remains to be seen.

P.S. - If anyone out there has a copy of Frank Darabont's rejected script, I'd love to read it. I have a feeling that it's pretty good... comparatively.

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

Trailer

First Iron Man, Now...

2008-05-09T04:56:00.007-04:00

So, everyone is talking about Iron Man lately, and for good reason. I decided not to write a full review since the film kicks ass and that's all you need to know. So, instead, I've decided to celebrate the tentative announcement of a Captain America film, by showing this exclusive preview clip. Enjoy.

Quotes of Note: No Country for Old Men (2007)

2008-03-23T05:42:00.003-04:00

"You know what date is on this coin?... 1958. It's been traveling twenty-two years to get here. And now it's here. And it's either heads or tails. And you have to say. Call it."

Review: Doomsday

2008-03-15T03:44:00.011-04:00

Do you like Escape From New York?

Do you like The Warriors?

Do you wish there were more kick ass post-apocalypse movies out there?

Well you fuckin' better or I'll cave your skull in with a Louisville Slugger full of rusty nails! Actually, to be honest, when I first heard about Doomsday I wasn't too jazzed. Then, I found out it was being written and directed by Neil Marshall. If you don't recognize Neil's name, he's the writer/director of the best werewolf movie in decades, Dog Soldiers, and the painfully claustrophobic Descent. Still, after this, for some reason, I wasn't jazzed. I must have come down with a mild case of dumb ass, because I should have been jumping up and down, reading Snake Plissken comics, listening to my Warriors soundtrack, while watching Enzo G. Castaleri sci-fi flicks. That would have been a pretty good prep for Doomsday.

You know how Quentin Tarantino makes endless pastiches/homages to the films of the seventies that he loves, and gets called a genius for it? Well, he should, because those movies kick ass. I bring this up, because Neil Marshall has done just that, except with eighties films. Of course, if you go read some of the other reviews out there for Doomsday, like the one over on Fangoria, all you'll hear about is how this feels like a film, "coming from a feature first-timer who has yet to develop his own voice and feels most comfortable homaging favorites from the past." Gee, I don't think Quentin ever grew out of that phase, and people like Fango (and myself) have had are hands down his pants, giving him a sack tickle over it ever since. So what's so wrong with Neil wanting to make a fun homage film? Well, Fango thinks it's a, "real shame... that it comes from writer/director Neil Marshall, who brought a fierce originality and vision to his two previous movies." Well, they're right about one thing. Neil is highly original. So that means he can't make a film that's derivative and good?

You know what? Fuck you Fangoria! It's not just that your opinion sucks, it's that myself and others are even listening to your opinion anymore. You went from the top of the horror totem poll, to possibly the worst horror publication on magazine shelves. You know why? Because the films you cover these days, and the films you endorse, suck! They don't just suck, they suck big giant donkey balls. Sorry... I just had to get that out. But, Fangoria is just an example of the types of negative reviews I read of this film today. What is wrong with you people?! While you're entitled to your opinion (no matter how shitty it is), your not only falling prey to your own twisted, self involved film expectations, but your biting the hand that feeds you. Do you know how often talented, original film directors come along and make crazy, hilarious, and balls out actiony, post-apocalypse movies? Well, not since 1981! So, 27 years later, along comes Neil Marshall, and all you can say is "it's not original enough." To quote Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog: "Who gives a shit!?"

Okay, now that I've got a small portion of my hatred for modern film audiences out of the way, let's talk about why I loved this film. First off, Rhona Mitra is incredibly awesome, and incredibly hot, as Eden Sinclair, the videoscopic glass eye sporting, Snake Plissken eye patch wearing, chew you up and spit you out heroine of the film. Don't sit there and tell me I'm sexist for calling out Mitra's hotness, because I guarantee, every straight and gay woman who saw this movie agrees with me. On top of her (so to speak), we have Alexander Siddig (Deep Space Nine) playing an asshole PM. Bob Hoskins as Eden's chain smoking commander, Malcolm McDowell ruling a Scottish castle (complete with knights), and an ever lovin' gimp mobile, piloted by the halfbreed children of cannibals and soccer hooligans! If you don't like that, then there's nothing left that I can do for you.

I'm telling you right now, no matter how many bad reviews you read in the trades, or negative comments you hear from coworkers, or mindless negative reviews told to you by tasteless friends, go see this movie. I guarantee you'll like it.

Noah "Annubis" Soudrette

Trailer

Review: No Country for Old Men

2008-03-15T00:41:00.018-04:00

If you like movies that are different because they contain antagonists of biblical wrath, then you will like this movie. If you like movies that are different because they are closer to the brutal and gray tones and tempo of life, then you will like this movie.

I'm not even sure I need to go into a brief overview of this movie, its been so well talked about. But I will anyways for the benefit of ordering it in my head again. A man is hunting in rural Texas and happens on an illicit deal gone bad. He leaves a truck full of drugs, and takes $2 million in cash. This is where he gets swept up into the destructive path of a killer. The rest of the movie is what happens while the first man tries to evade destruction at the hands of the second man, and gangs of drug thugs from south of the border.

This is a nasty and brutal tale, though elegant in its simplicity. Llewelyn Moss (played by Josh Brolin) is a determined man, who finds himself in something and can't make himself let it go. As it turns out he is also a very smart man when it comes to matters of evading a stalking death, or at least he is smarter than just about everyone else Anton Chigurh has set his deadly sights on. He manages to last most of the movie and even be the only one to wound Chigurh.

This of course leads me to my very favorite character in the movie, Anton Chigurh. Played masterfully by Javier Bardem. This man will be the embodiment of a completely committed killer for the rest of my days. I feel that if he felt it stood between him and the money or someone who had the money, he would very calmly and without hesitation toss a large fire bomb into an orphanage full of babies. He kills for a living and he is cold and methodical about it. Yet he also has a very strict code he seems to hold himself to, all be it a simple code. He takes his boots off before walking from his motel room to another motel room, where he is going to have to kill people. Then after he brutally and efficiently kills three men, he takes his socks off because they have blood on them, and cleanly walks back to his motel room. This is just one of many instances where Anton Chigurh is demonstrated to be the smoothest and most dangerous killer I've ever seen in film to date. I now want this guy to be a bond bad guy in one of the newer films, I think this guy is the best villain I've ver seen (and I've seen a lot).

These are our two main characters. Everyone else in the movie is fantastic as well, though many only will spend 5-10 minutes on screen. Tommy Lee Jones is as always, fantastic in every way. But the stand out of the supporting cast, for me anyways, is Kelly MacDonald. She was born in Glasgow, Scotland. Yet in this film she plays a little Texas woman, who seems very natural in a trailer park. She had not one lick of an accent, except for the Texas drawl her character has, and she has a very revealing final conversation with Chigurh before he fulfills his word. I was shocked when I found out that not only was this woman not from Texas (as she played it so well) but was not even from the USA. So for me, her's is a performance that stands out above a cast of stellar actors and characters, simply because I would have sworn she was from Texasafter having seen this film.

I want to say a little about the style and pacing of this narrative before I close it up. I love every aspect of this film, and I love it because its very real and simple. People die a lot in this film, and they die brutally and they die quickly. This is how life happens, brutally and quickly. Good guys die, and bad guys walk away. Of course even better is how the lines between good guy and bad guy are blurred here. Llewelyn is guilty of being stubborn, perhaps to a fault some would say, and it probably gets other people hurt. Anton Chigurh is a man who sticks to his principles, even when it presents him with a difficult path (which he walks and overcomes all obstacles), and I can't really hate a character for that.

This is a story of real people, that seems to begin and end in the middle of something. And this fact is o.k. with me, because I feel the reality of that. Many will say, "this movie is bloody and strange", and they will push it aside as just some weird art house movie. But some, I count myself one, will look at this and say, "This is genuine, this is life, and this is a great film". And thats fine with me.

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Trailer

Cockpuncher!

2008-03-05T02:32:00.005-05:00

Over at CHUD.com they have a rather harsh article about the trailer for The Onion Movie. Now, I'm not a big Onion fan, but I do love flicks like Airplane and Kentucky Fried Movie, and this film seems to fit perfectly with those:

I'll be Bill Murray and you'll be everyone else.

2008-03-02T01:21:00.006-05:00

This is a fun movie, unless you hate Jack Black and Dante "Mos Def" Smith. Its a funny little comedy that plays on your love of movies and takes a shot at "Big Chain Video"stores and movie studios.

Essentially Black and Mos Def play well meaning but bumbling Jersey guys. Black is the more disaster prone of the two. Black is magnetized in a power plant accident, and unfortunately erases all the video tapes at the local struggling independent video store. To keep people from going to the local video chain, they start making their own versions of the destroyed movies (from memory of course). Hilarity and sweding ensues. This is all set against the classic movie storyline of neighborhood development destroying longtime residents and businesses.

All of the acting in this movie is fantastic and very funny. And while Black and Mos Def are typically hilarious for me, the shining star for me is the character of Alma played by Melonie Diaz. She is swept up into the two guys video plans, and provides them with a very levelheaded but still quirky balance for their bumbling enthusiasm.

The best part of the whole movie is the sweded movies (Black/Mos Def's short versions of the movies). I laughed non-stop through this entire section of the middle of the film, particularly at Black's portrayal of Jessica Tandy in "Driving Miss Daisy".

Its a unique comedy with heart, in a season full of sappy sweet comedy drivel. Its sweet with out being sappy, and its edgy without being too much. I wouldn't normally go to see this sort of thing in a theater but I am happy that I did. If you like Jack Black and/or Dante "Mos Def" Smith, if you like parodies of movie classics both modern and old, if you want to find out how bitchy New Jersey folks are, then you will like this movie.

Jesse "Baron Ironfury" Stevens

Trailer

If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.

2008-03-01T01:13:00.007-05:00

Bobby "Linn" Haynes
R.I.P.
1975-2008

Some of you may not be familiar with Linn Haynes. Linn has been a film scholar and enthusiast working behind the scenes for years to get rare and unappreciated martial arts films the kind of release and respect they deserve. Only in the last few years had he succeeded and went to work as an adviser to BCI and Media Blasters. Linn has been a well known fixture at many popular film forums and was one of the most knowledge, polite, and decent people out there. He will be missed. I personally never got to know Linn, but the mutual love we shared for film, the work he did to give foreign film a voice in this country, and even the fact we worked for the same company, make me feel like he was a brother. You will be missed.

Read the news report of his death here.

Also, visit this thread to hear more about Linn and the people he touched.

Quotes of Note - Return of the Living Dead (1985)

2008-02-29T01:15:00.004-05:00

"You think this is a fuckin' costume? This is a way of life!"

Green Eyed Monster

2008-02-28T06:03:00.005-05:00

I have to get something off my chest and since it's movie blog related, this seemed the best place to do it. While I have a link to it on this page, I would like you all to visit the blog Shoot the Projectionist.

Shoot the Projectionist is written and maintained by Ed Hardy, Jr. I don't know anything about Ed other than what I can glean from his posted writings. It is these posted writings that have forced me into writing this confession. I hate Ed Hardy Jr. I really hate him.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Noah, how can you hate this guy, when you don't really know anything about him?" Well, as I said, what I know about the man is what I've gleaned from his writings, and I've come to the conclusion that Ed Hardy Jr. is an excellent writer and critic. You see, like Ed, I don't really like writing reviews.

To this end, Ed has invented a gimmick called "24 Words Per Film" where he sums up his thoughts about a film in, you guessed it, 24 words. This is truly brilliant and inspired. I'm so pissed I didn't think of this first. This is why I hate Ed Hardy Jr. So, go over to Ed's blog and check out his musings. Oh, and Ed, if your reading this, I hate you, you talented bastard.

P.S. - He's also using a still from one of my favorite movies as a header image. Arg! I hate that guy!

Quotes of Note - Howling II: ...Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

2008-02-24T22:34:00.009-05:00

"Silver bullets are useless against such creatures, quite useless. Only titanium will kill them."

Who Knows What Evil Lurks In the Hearts Of Men...?

2008-02-24T00:31:00.008-05:00

I have always been a fan of all things pulp. Recently, a new publishing company called Nostalgia Ventures has begun to reprint the original pulp novel adventures of The Shadow and Doc Savage. This got me thinking about the Shadow, and I recently caved and ordered the widescreen UK DVD, since the US release is Pan and Scan only. I've had fond memories of this film from my first few viewings years ago and was pleased to find out that those feelings have not changed with the passage of time. This film notoriously bombed upon release, and yet I have no idea why. I realize that the Shadow doesn't have the same name recognition as the previous year's Batman Returns. However, this film is easily a much more satisfying superhero film than either of Tim Burton's massive bat-hits.

Don't get me wrong. High art, this film isn't. But, director Russell Mulcahy lends the kind of unique visual flair to The Shadow, that he did to his earlier Highlander. Everything you could want is here: insane Mongols, tommy guns, secret Shadow agents, gorgeous women, atomic bombs, and a brilliant cast. You'll spend half the film just pointing at bit actors and yelling, "hey! It's that guy!" The other thing that helps this film, is that it's tight. Not a frame is spared for something that doesn't add to the plot, or build on the necessary flavor of the film itself. Honestly, I don't want to get too deep into the film, because this is not a deep film. It's just a shit load of fun. Seek it out!

Trailer

Quotes of Note - Dune (1984)

2008-02-22T01:08:00.006-05:00

"It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion."

The Kind Of Communism We Can All Hate

2008-02-18T01:58:00.002-05:00

This is an interesting report featured on Reuters a few days ago:

"BEIJING (Reuters) - China has added ghosts, monsters and other things that go bump in the night to its list of banned video and audio content in an intensified crackdown ahead of the Beijing Olympics.

Producers have around three weeks to look through their tapes for "horror" and report it to authorities, the General Administration of Press and Publications said in a statement posted on the government Web site.

Offending content included "wronged spirits and violent ghosts, monsters, demons, and other inhuman portrayals, strange and supernatural storytelling for the sole purpose of seeking terror and horror," the administration said.

The new guidelines aim to "control and cleanse the negative effect these items have on society, and to prevent horror, violent, cruel publications from entering the market through official channels and to protect adolescents' psychological health."

The regulations suggest China, where graphic, pirated sex and horror movies are available on most street corners, is keen to step up its control of the cultural arena ahead of the Beijing Olympics in August, which are widely seen as a coming-out party for the rising political and economic power.

They come just weeks after Beijing clamped down on "vulgar" video and audio content, slapped restrictions on Internet sites and handed down a two-year film-making ban to the team behind the steamy "Lost in Beijing."

(Reporting by Beijing Newsroom; Editing by Nick Macfie and Alex Richardson)"

What this means for the fantastic Hong Kong film industry and massive DVD export market is uncertain.

For seven years I spoke with God... and he told me this movie sucks!

2008-02-13T18:55:00.007-05:00

Do you like science fiction movies?

Do you like 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Do you like Event Horizon?

Would you like to see those two movies get drunk while at the Cannes Film Festival, have dirty sex in a public lavatory, and produce a love child?

If you answered yes to that last one, you'll probably love Sunshine. I however, do not. Don't get me wrong. I love 2001 and I even find Event Horizon somewhat entertaining in a Mouth of Madness-in-space kind of way. But what we get here, is an amalgam of sci-fi trappings and moments from other films, sewn together with a thread made out of Danny Boyle's pretentiousness. There's a super-powerful evil guy like Sam Neil in Event, a talking computer ala Hal 9000, some spacewalk scenes right out of Mission to Mars, and even an obvious reference to Dark Star. Oh, and don't forget the set of the big finale, which looks like it was leftover from a Cube sequel. Basically, this film is just like 28 Days Later, except much worse. We get to see mopey Cillian Murphy wandering from plot point to plot point stolen from other, better movies in the genre, only to be tied up with an ending that leaves the viewer feeling a bit underwhelmed.

Now, I will admit I'm being a bit hard on this movie (as well as 28 Days Later, even though it pales in comparison to its sequel). The first two acts of the film, while derivative, aren't bad at all, and are fairly entertaining. The film simply takes a wrong turn at Albuquerque come the third act and spirals slowly into shit. I found myself enjoying this movie, then slowly questioning what was happening. Then I got the feeling this wasn't going well, and by the end, was just bored and disappointed.

To make a long story short (too late), don't bother with this movie. Unless, of course, any of the above sounds fun to you.

Danny Boyle, your days are numbered.

R.I.P.

2008-02-10T23:54:00.000-05:00

Roy Scheider

11/10/1932 - 2/10/2008

Hump Day Trailer Roundup

2008-01-30T15:45:00.001-05:00

In the hopes of making your week a little more tolerable, I present to you, four trailers guaranteed to help you along.

Teeth, directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein, is the story of a girl, and her clash with the legend of the vagina dentata.

Machine Girl, directed by Noboru Iguchi, speaks for itself.

The Cottage, directed by Paul Andrew Willams, looks to be another great British horror comedy.

And finally, Chocolate, directed by Prachya Pinkaew (Ong Bak, Tom Yum Goong/The Protector) looks to be one of the greatest martial arts films ever. Assuming you don't find autism-fu offensive.

Quick Update

2008-01-30T04:08:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the lack of updates and posts this week. We're currently considering producing a blogcast/podcast here at That Will Teach Them and that has been eating up most of my attention. Expect an obscure DVD review later in the week as well as a trailer premiere. Be Seeing you.

Quantum of Frustration

2008-01-26T02:22:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in an earlier posting, I love the title Quantum of Solace, which has been picked for the new Bond film. However, the mainstream media has decided it sucks and we all hate it. I highly recommend you all read this article about it over at Commander Bond. Also, if your curious as to the meaning of this title and it's context, the article should help you there as well.

Subject Designate Cloverfield

2008-01-25T05:27:00.000-05:00

So, I saw Cloverfield with a few friends the other day and I've been wary of posting my thoughts about it until after a long gestation period (i.e. multiple watches and a few years of afterthought... yeah, I'm crazy). However, I will say, it's, at least, fun as hell! If you didn't like it, you either don't know what fun is, or you get sick easily. That being said, there are two reviews I'd like to point you to that sum up my feelings and represent the two sides of the same monstrous-city-fucking coin inside me. One is Tim Lucas' somewhat overly upbeat review here, and Dave Canfield's more reserved review here.

EDIT: Well, it seems Tim Lucas has had a second viewing of the film and now his thoughts are more in line with Dave Canfield's. Read it here.

Quantum of Solace

2008-01-25T00:49:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's been revealed that the title of the new Bond film is Quantum of Solace. If your asking yourself, "what the hell does that mean?" all I can say is, read a book! Quantum of Solace is the title of a short story in the James Bond short story collection For Your Eyes Only. I have been lobbying for this title as it fits perfectly with Bond's relationship with Vesper and her's with her boyfriend. So, since I'm excited about this, I thought I'd give you your official rundown on the film.

Cast
Daniel Craig
Craig, of course, returns as the blue collar Bond. He is without a doubt the manliest, most bad ass Bond yet, but despite his awesome performance in Casino Royale, Craig, and the film itself, still have a lot to live up to. Was the first film just a flash in the pan? I seriously fucking doubt it, considering it's in my top 3 Bond films of all time.

Olga Kurylenko
Olga Kurylenko plays the main Bond girl in this affair and goes by the name of Camille.
If your not familiar with Olga, that's not surprising. Her first English language film was the recent Hitman. Her character, Camille, is apparently out for revenge against the same people as Bond, so they team up, and most likely screw.

Gemma Arterton
Gemma Arterton is an up and coming actress who is cute as hell! Apparently she's done a few indie movies (St. Trinian's, 3 and Out) and some Shakespeare so, she should be pretty good. She plays agent Fields who apparently isn't in the picture too much (aka. Solange), but in my opinion, I like her more than Olga.

Mathieu Amalric
Mathieu Amalric is a very famous French actor who apparently and has been in a lot of stuff that I've never seen. Currently you can see him in the Oscar nominated film The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Mathieu plays the villain of the piece, Dominic Greene. Who might also be... Vesper's supposedly kidnapped boyfriend! Duhnt duhnt dunh!

Jeffrey Wright
And, last but not least, the pimpin'est Felix Lieter of all time is back baby! Oh, and Dench is back as well.

Now, for those of you who want to know what the film is actually about, here is the official plot description (MINOR SPOILERS):

"QUANTUM OF SOLACE continues the high octane adventures of James Bond (DANIEL CRAIG) in CASINO ROYALE.

Betrayed by Vesper, the woman he loved, 007 fights the urge to make his latest mission personal. Pursuing his determination to uncover the truth, Bond and M (JUDI DENCH) interrogate Mr White (JESPER CHRISTENSEN) who reveals the organisation which blackmailed Vesper is far more complex and dangerous than anyone had imagined.

Forensic intelligence links an Mi6 traitor to a bank account in Haiti where a case of mistaken identity introduces Bond to the beautiful but feisty Camille (OLGA KURYLENKO), a woman who has her own vendetta. Camille leads Bond straight to Dominic Greene (MATHIEU AMALRIC), a ruthless business man and major force within the mysterious organisation.

On a mission that leads him to Austria, Italy and South America, Bond discovers that Greene, conspiring to take total control of one of the world’s most important natural resources, is forging a deal with the exiled General Medrano (JOAQUIN COSIO). Using his associates in the organisation, and manipulating his powerful contacts within the CIA and the British government, Greene promises to overthrow the existing regime in a Latin American country, giving the General control of the country in exchange for a seemingly barren piece of land.

In a minefield of treachery, murder and deceit, Bond allies with old friends in a battle to uncover the truth. As he gets closer to finding the man responsible for the betrayal of Vesper, 007 must keep one step ahead of the CIA, the terrorists and even M, to unravel Greene’s sinister plan and stop his organization."

Also, here's a tidbit of behind the scenes filming.

Review: Skinwalkers

2008-01-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

Ok, this movie sucks. I could probably end the review right here, but I will elaborate so you know I'm not just hating the movie on principle.

I wanted to like this movie. Despite the fact that it reminds me of a lower budget and "werewolves only" version of Underworld, I still wanted to like this movie. It just let me down on all fronts except for creature effects, which were too few for my taste.

The acting is subpar (even Elias Koteas, veteran of such goodflix as The Prophecy, Apt Pupil, Gattaca, and many others). I'm not sure if I blame the material entirely, as the story and dialogue are wholey unoriginal, or if maybe the actors could have pull this farce up into decency with more effort. Nah, this thing would have sucked even with Oscar caliber actors in it. Which leads me to the writing.

The dialogue is stilted and cliche. You either have 2 dimensional cliche supernatural bikers spewing hyper-hostile psychotic drivel such as "Tell me when Varek, and they're all dead" as said thug points sawed off shotgun at tied up victim's head. Or you have 2 dimensional townies (who seem to be all in on hiding this child of prophecy) who are dull and all-american to a fault. The only people outside of these categories are the kid, his mother, and a couple of bad guys with brains. Unfortunately none of these characters do anything interesting either. The boy seems to have no spunk and cringes alot, the mom does about the same as she deals with learning that there are shape-shifters. And the few bad guys with brains, whell guess what its like they don't want to be bad guys but damnit they just want to love each other and be crazy werebeasts. Of course they will have to do some bad things to there own kind who don't want to be crazy werebeasts with them. Oh and this brings me to another point, this movies title.

I thought going in I mite be treated to a visual feast of cool shapeshifters. Since the title is "Skinwakers" not "Werewolf Civil War". I don't know about everyone else, but when you use a general term for shapeshifters, I kind of imagine I'll be seeing a variety of shifters, not just werewolves. The other problem with the title is that I also expected to see a large amount of shapeshifter action in this. There are precisely 2 scenes in the entire movie (one being protracted, but its still just one instance and mostly at the end) where these folks actually go wolfman. The rest of the time it just seems to be a territory dispute between a biker gang and some townies. It was like an episode of the t.v. show "Renegade" with werwolves in it.

"We call ourselves Skinwalkers, you would call us Werewolves". Really? Cause I would call Skinwalkers shapeshifters, and werewolves I would call...um...werewolves. They could have at least given themselves a proper noun sounding name for what they call themselves, one that doesn't conjure up incorrect expectations of this flick.

Ok now to my 2 final points. The creature effects in this are interesting. Mainly because they go with the classic wolfman appearance, so think more like wolf and caveman combo (think wolfman from Monster Squad). I haven't seen that in a werewolf flick in awhile. Lately they all turn into something like The Howling. And the creature effects were good. They didn't look crummy or poor, and they gave the werewolves at least a small amount of uniqueness from all the others I've seen lately (though they still sucked).

And my final point. This movie rips its ending off from either Terminator, T2, or Cobra. The final show down is like a timewarp back to some bad 80's action movies, except with werewolves. So thats it. I've tried to be as objective as I could, but this movie is lame and no amount of fairness will cure that. Its got poor plot, poor dialogue, actors that weren't used to best effect, an overly complex plot, and ALOT of cliches. So watch it at your own peril.

Jesse A.K.A. Baron Ironfury

Trailer

David Lynch + iPhone = Awesome!

2008-01-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

Kick Ass Alert!

2008-01-23T02:58:00.001-05:00

So, I've just discovered that, Fumihiko Sori, the director of the asian indie comedy Ping Pong, is remaking Zatoichi. Being a huge samurai fan and Zatoichi fan, I'm kind of suprised. Takeshi Kitano remade Zatoichi not that long ago... so, why do it again? Because now, Zatoichi is a hot chick! Here is the teaser for Ichi

Also, it seems the great Sonny Chiba will also be making a Zatoichi film called Za Toichi, and it is apparently a sendup/homage to the original. It's a good time to be a Zatoichi fan.

DVD Pick of the Week

2008-01-23T01:21:00.000-05:00

This week's top pick is the long awaited release on DVD of the second and final season of Lars Von Trier's much heralded, and totally kick ass series, The Kingdom. If you've never heard of this series, I suggest you race right out and buy it or rent it now!

Also, an honorable mention to Torchwood: Season One.

Joe Bob Briggs' Passion #1

2008-01-22T01:24:00.000-05:00

Many of you film fanatics out there are big fans of Joe Bob Briggs. What many of you don't know is that, about eight years ago, Joe Bob, aka. John Bloom (his real name) hosted a regular segment on The Daily Show about the trials and tribulations of this country's great religious leaders. In the hopes of spreading John's little know interest in hypocrites, I present our first installment of God Stuff.

Everything That's Wrong with the Movie Industry

2008-01-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

Thank god it's going direct to video.

There Will Be Laughs

2008-01-18T05:20:00.000-05:00

     When I sat down to write this review initially, the first sentence I wrote was about the fact that I'm not a particularly rabid P.T. Anderson fan. However, the more I think about it, I'm a least a fan of some kind. I've never seen Hard Eight or the love it/hate it Punch Drunk Love. I enjoyed Magnolia and found it to be emotionally engaging and creative; plus, who doesn't love Boogie Nights? The reason I'm telling you this is that, when I sat down to watch his new film, There Will B Blood, I had little to no expectations. Strike that; I half expected the film to be a over wrought, boring, snooty art house flick. So, I was happily surprised when I found myself sitting in an overcrowded theater, laughing my ass off at this movie. That may not be the response you were expecting, but I will explain eventually.
     There Will Be Blood is a very schizophrenic film. It cannot decide whether it wants to be a historical epic, a man's meteoric rise to fortune and his eventual fall, the tale of a father and son, a representation of the two driving forces of American culture, or a black comedy. Thankfully, this is not a bad thing. The film as all of these things and that only helps to rescue it from the boring pretension it could have been. The film is clearly inspired by Orson Welles' Citizen Kane. Like Kane, the film's protagonist makes many choices, good and bad, rises to fame and power, only to eventually fall. Anderson does not hide the Welles influence, as he shouldn't. By taking the approach Welles did, Anderson creates a character who is both likable and unlikable, one who does good and bad. Because of this, the character of Daniel Plainview has a very authentic feeling. He is one of the more well rounded, realistic characters I've seen in a film since I can remember. This alone, coupled with Daniel Day-Lewis' performance, make the film worth seeing.

     As to the title of this review, the thing I loved the most about this film was the copious amounts of dark humor. I was surprised more than once to find myself laughing my ass off at this movie. The film is riddled with dark humor, especially towards the end. As a matter of fact, the film is worth seeing for the final scene alone which is both hilarious and satisfying. Most of the humor comes from Daniel Day-Lewis' great performance. However, it would not be nearly as satisfying of not for the acting of Paul Dano, who plays the main rival in the film.
     So, it's safe to say that I really liked this film, and I recommend it whole heartedly. For the potential viewer, I'd like to stress two points once more. Daniel Plainview is not an evil man or a "soul-dead" man like most reviews have been saying. That is far to easy a classification. Like the rest of us, he is simply a man. Also, keep your eye open for that dark humor I loved so much. Don't forget the milkshake.

Trailer

Submitted by Noah Soudrette